Archive for October, 2010

I had the chance to have breakfast with my family this morning before I had to go in to work. My family has been through a lot and we are definitely still very much a work in progress. I know that I am not perfect when it comes to my life and the decisions I have made. I understand that no one is. A couple of weeks ago things came to a head with my dad and my brother and I. My dad let us know his feelings on where he though my brother and I stood with him. He was hurting because there really has been very little time for all of us to get together and be a family. In some ways he thought we hated him.

When I took in what he was saying all I could feel was pain that he would feel that way about us or think that that could possibly be the truth. He was right on much of what he was saying. Not the idea that we could hate him, which is further from the truth than anything. More so in the idea that we have not been making the time as we might have in the past to hang out. I cannot speak for my brother but I know when it comes to myself it is a very tricky issue. I tend to be the type to withdraw and hide from things that bring up memories in my life that are painful. Part of this comes from the fact that when my marriage was falling apart my dad was finding the love of his life.  Naturally this is now attached to a memory in my mind of what I have lost. Other’s happiness should buoy me and lift my spirits. It tends to just bring me down into a place of darkness. Being that I know what kind of emotions this brings up I don’t make the effort I should to include myself in my dad’s life.

One of the second issues that is always there is the fact that less than two years ago I lost my mother, we all lost her. and months before that my parents relationship finally broke its last seam and split down the middle. These two events are things that one does not just forget and move on quickly from. Especially being as how my mother and I had a close relationship and were friends till the day she left this world. Everyone moves on from such tragic events in different ways and at different times. The fact that I had the extra weight of my own marriage torn away from me has lead to a longer period of healing for me. I mean my divorce will have its one year anniversary this december. These events though oddly feel so much further in the past. Maybe because it is so much to feel, so much to go through every day.

When we lost mom we had known her our whole lives. Now there is someone else with my dad. She is a good woman. I really don’t know an awful lot about her. We really have not had much time to do things together and that is on all of us. We have only known her for about a year and a few months. I know it is still going to take time. That is the only thing that will make things easier. We also need to make sure that we all talk to each other and don’t let things get bottled up. I had a chance to talk to my dad after things were brought to the surface and I am pretty sure he knows how I really feel. I don’t really know how else to act. I have not been through anything like this at any other time in my life. Their are no neat little directions and maps to guide us. We can look for help and advice but it always comes down to how we all handle ourselves and if we all put the effort in.

I know that I have to try harder. Whether it is small things like stopping by to say hello or just getting together like we did this morning for breakfast. I do enjoy these moments. I like getting together and laughing because everyone knows I do not do enough of that lately. Laugh that is. It will get better. I know that it has to. My dad means the world to me. He has never judged me. He has always been there for me when I have been hurting the most. He has saved me on more than one occassion from damaging myself permanently. I need to show him a little more of the same.



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I woke up this morning with that dreaded surprise. The feeling that I had been run over by a truck and then small gooey creatures invaded the cavities of my head and took up residence there. It was so bad that I actually had dreams in which I could not breathe, made more interesting by the fact that this was a real life feeling. It was bound to happen as it seems everyone around me has been suffering or is currently recovering from some form of common cold ailment.

I have been feeling pretty good the past few months so maybe it was just my time. The thing that dissappoints me the most is that it is making it much too difficult to concentrate on thinking when I am in the most need of free flowing creativity. I wanted to get home tonight and work on some notes for my story but my body was telling myself to go to bed at 7 o’clock, much too early. So I decided to lay comatose on the couch and fade in and out for a few hours. Clarity seems to be coming to me now at the worst time though when I really should start winding down for bed. I really need to hammer out the notes for atleast a few chapters or broad ideas for where I want the story to go. I don’t think it is going to happen tonight though. I work tomorrow but also get done by 4pm so hopefully I will be able to come home and get some work done. I fear though as this is the first day of feeling infirmed that tomorrow will most likely be the worst day if this is truly a common cold. I pray that is not the case.

One thing that being sick irks me is the fact I hate that you have to get pseudoephederine from the pharmacy. Seriously, I swear I am not trying to make meth in my cupboard of an apartment. Really, the thought has never crossed my mind, even if I love watching breaking bad, I only watch and do not take notes. It is the only thing that helps me feel any better and brings any relief from the congestion. The knock off stuff works about as well as a placebo though I still dumbly try it in the sake of cheapness and convenience. Just a little thing that annoys me even more than feeling like crud.

Well here’s hoping that I get my but in gear tomorrow and hit the ground running on monday. My goal is to reach 5,000 words on the first day of NaNoWriMo. I want to have a good start so if I miss a day it will not put me behind the eight ball. I will say that I am excited that a friend of mine is doing it as well this year again and that our stories share some similarities in genres. Hopefully we can get together and bounce some ideas off of each other.

One day I will attain this dream in my life. One day I will share a story of mine with the world.


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Even though I decided to join the party a little late this year it seems an idea for a story to consume my NaNoWriMo participation is taking shape. The event starts on monday so I only have two more days to get some storylines and history together to begin to create the base for what I want. I started this morning and a few things slowly cleared out of the fog of my imagination. This year I am going to create a story that is heavily grounded in the things that I know. I am going to use some of my hardships over the past few years to create a character that has some realism and can bring some emotion to the page.

Now I am not saying that it will be a memoir of any kind. I just want to base the character a little on who I am and have the story take legs from there. So far I am enjoying the creative stage trying to pull ideas together. For a while I sat thinking and going between different genres, from the fantastical to the epic, and even some horror. Reality kept creeping its way back into my mind and I decided to give into those thoughts. I will ofcourse throuw some twists in and it still may deal with some supernatural mysteries and conspiracies. I will give you a little bit of a run down on what I am thinking.

The story will revolve around two central characters who are drawn together through a series of mysterious events. The first character will be the man modeled off of myself. A man who has seen more than his fair share of tragedies in his life. Two years ago the man lost his wife and daughter in a terrible accident that left their home in ruins following an explosion. Everything that his life was was ripped away from him in an instant. The grief and depression almost consumed his life to the point where his actions came very close to ending his time on earth. He found some strength to be able to soldier on and is living his life again when the past comes tumbling back into his life in the form of a mysterious letter regarding his wife….

The second character I will not give as much detail or backstory as I want this person to be more of a mystery and an unknown. I will say that the character is a private detective and that the two are drawn into a melded existence that has them both looking for answers.

The rest I am still figuring out as I go. I know that there will be some sort of a conspiracy and things will not seem as they trully are. I hope to post the story as I go so if you are so inclined you can feel free to read along. Hopefully tomorrow night and sunday night I get more time to draw up some plot points and ideas for some of the beginning chapters. The more I can get down the easier it will be to keep on writing.

Well I look forward to sharing more as I go and look forward to more posts.

Good night..


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Solitude is a two fold thing for me. I find that I enjoy the quiet and time to myself. I like the peace and quiet and the ability to do what I want when I want. I don’t always feel the need to be out there doing something. There is a point though where one as myself begins to worry that I am getting to used to it and withdrawing a bit too much from the rest of society. My life essentially consists of going to work and coming home. That is it, pretty boring person I know.

I brought this up to my boss at work in conversation and he mentioned that he is the same way he laughed when I said I was worried I would become a hermit. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not the crazy shut in who mumbles to himself and has newspapers piled everywhere. I am just comfortable in my own little corner of the world and I do not easily want to break out of the well worn rut that is my life. I feel the need lately to break out of that pattern. I want to go out and do things and be more active. Have a social life as you would say.

Their are two problems with this. One is that I have very few friends. One of them has been a good friend for years and went to school with me. Another lives more then three hours away in another state. The third is my brother Josh who I would consider my best friend. all of these people would be here for me in an instant, but these are all I really have. I have other friends but they remind me of things that are lost in my life as they came from when I was married. It is hard to do anything with them for the memories they would drag up.

The second issue is that in small town wisconsin, having a social life too often means hanging out in bars or being around those drinking in any other place. I no longer drink but I understand that there are times when I have to be less sensitive to such things and not let it get to me. I know that I can be around others who drink as my previous roommate and one of the friends listed above would have beer in the house and drink on occassion and I was never tempted to do the same. I also know that there were times when I highly resented him and became very moody because of the fact that he could drink and I could not.

So you can see this is not the easiest thing in the world. They may be excuses, but if so I am saying them hoping to overcome them. I told somebody at work that I would not mind hanging out some weekend and would not really care if it is at a bar. I guess I just want to be a part of something. I just want to have interactions that draw my mind away from the self destructive thought processes that seap in when I am alone. I know that most of the time my mind is at its clearest when I am at work and chatting with my coworkers, more often than anything bs’ing as I like to say. When I laugh and joke around I forget the demons of my past and my true self seems to shine through the most. I want more of that. I want to be that person more often and I know that I cannot be that way sitting at home all alone living inside my head.



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I have arrived at the decision that this year I will successfully complete nanowrimo. You may ask what this is and I can see why you would ask such a thing. Nanowrimo stands for National Novel Writing Month. It is an annual event that occurs every november and revolves around helping aspiring writers to achieve the goal of writing a novel. The idea is to reach the goal of typing 50,000 words in the period of the month. Which equates to 1666 words per day. The thought is that by getting such a substantial amount out of the way in a month will help motivate the author to finish. Much of being a writer is just sitting down and making the time to write. First drafts are never perfect and it needs to be more about getting the thoughts and ideas out and letting the story take you down the road.

I tried this a few years ago and life got in the way and I fell a few thousand words short. Last december I decided to do my own little nanowrimo in december as I was late to the game. I wrote over 68,000 words in the period of 3 weeks which is pretty darn impressive if I do say so myself. Now I want to accomplish the goal during the event itself. Now I realize I have decided to do this just 3 days from the start of this years event. I need to decide what I should be writing about. I could pick up the story on one of three stories that I have substantial amounts down already. I have thought on any of these three and I believe the best route is to start over with a new idea. Now I have to decide what that is to be. This is not as easy as it might sound but when it comes down to it I believe this is the most exciting part. A story will begin to come together and build out of the ideas that bounce around inside the mind. I think I am leaning something towards sci-fi, and suspense. Maybe something a little dark a la Dean Koontz. I am excited to work on this again. I dream of one day having a novel published. I don’t even think it would be the idea of having it out there for others to buy, but more the fact that I would have a book with my name and title on it. Something that will always be there. For future generations to enjoy. Some day I will reach this goal. It is the one dream that I can still see myself accomplishing.

If anyone is interested check out http://www.nanowrimo.org/ If you want to join up with me or have questions let me know.




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