Archive for the ‘Psychosis’ Category

I wanted to write a post about what my thoughts were for my novel that I am going to attempt during Nano, but the events of yesterday occupy my mind. So a week and a half ago I went to the doctor because I have been having a tough time catching my breath. This was actually the sole purpose of this visit. Once there though the curtain of denial quickly fell away from my mind. I have been suffering pretty bad mood swings up and down. The worse feeling though now is the anxiety that has tried to take over my life. Anyways the doctor ran some tests, ekg, blood work and the like and found nothing. We talked a bit more and in the end she put me on a bipolar/antidepressant, Lamictal. I asked if there was anything they could do for the anxiety and not being able to get restful sleep and she said she did not want to till I saw a psychiatrist. So she gave me a referral. I left feeling a little bit of despair because my worst symptom right now was not going to be helped.

I got home and had serious thoughts of not doing anything because it seemed I was not being believed. Despite this I did call and made an appointment. The soonest I could get in was a week and a half away. Even with this though I was happy that I was going to be able to see someone who could help me. Now I just had to wait and make it until then.

Through out the week+ things kept getting worse. I was having moments of breaking down with little reason. This even happening at work. I was having more and more occurrences of not being able to take a deep breath. Going out into public, like say to the store, was starting to be a terrible experience. I do not know how to adequately explain it except that it feels like you are in a tunnel at the bottom of the see. There is pressure and you feel like you are weak and might pass out. Talking begins to speed up and you feel jittery.

At work things were and are getting pretty bad. I have to try to do breathing exercises to calm myself down, with little effect. Trying to do simple things I feel like I am freezing up and try to process a million things in my head when I know what the next step is. If there is confrontation I seem to be shutting down and my chest begins to hurt. Just recently my neck and jaw are locking up and the pain that cause is multiplied since I have to talk quite a bit for my job.

Needless to say things have not been improving. So yesterday arrived. Little sleep the night before with a work meeting bright and early and my doctor’s appointment to follow. I got through the meeting, despite being shaky and knocking things over. The drive to my appointment, an hour plus away, felt longer than it should have. A few times I felt like pulling over and letting my fiance drive. My symptoms were getting worse but I was still looking forward that I might get some relief.

Arriving at the behavioral health clinic I had some odd recollections of the past and what I have been through previously. I registered and filled out some more of the paperwork and questionnaires that they had for me. The person I was meeting with came and got me and lead me to her office. She went through all the surveys and information I had provided and asked me for more details, my symptoms, thoughts and feelings. We went over my history, the fact that I had been struggling with this for years.

Near the end when she began to lay out the plan my heart began to sink. She was not a psychiatrist. She was not a doctor. She was just a handler, her job to find out what I needed and then refer me to a course of action. The wait list to see a psychiatrist…50 DAYS! 50 days. I am going to leave the office with absolutely nothing to help me. I had no idea that I was not going to see a doctor that day. The practitioner who referred me did not let me know of the wait. The person who made the appointment did not mention anything about what the first appointment would be. I felt wrung out and passed along. The handler tells me then that I have to go back to my family physician for any medications in the mean time. I told her that they sent me here.

I have never been more upset or let down by a situation in my life when it comes to health care. This system is about as bad as it can be, especially when handling people who are having issues that are effecting there lives in very real ways. Debilitating, disparaging ways.

So I have an appointment tomorrow and I am hoping, begging that I am not let down again. I just want some help and not to be passed along again.



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The birds and small animals of the night sit upon their perches and peered from concealment. Curious of the body lying upon the floor of the woods. Their glittering eyes reflecting red beacons into the night. In the distance a crow called out in its shrill caw and movement could be heard rustling through the forest. Another crow returned the call of the first and wings could be heard taking to the night sky. The moon had returned from its cloud filled shroud casting light upon the trees and shadows everywhere else. Its blue light now fading slightly to a silvery grey. Its large body a bright orb in the black sky.

 The man began to stir, his head moving to one side to look from his lowered perspective. He moaned as he began to move more and more, finding life returning to his aching limbs. Every muscle in his body cried out in pain as he forced them to flex and move. His skin was on fire with cuts and scrapes, blood and sweat mixing in his wounds to revive him faster than any smelling salts could. He lifted his head and saw that he had made it to a small clearing, out of the constricting thickets that tried to consume him. With all of his strength he pushed his torso up from the earth with arms that could barely hold him. He got to his knees and paused to collect his strength before make the last act of getting to his feet. He stood there and swayed focusing on not falling to the ground. His legs were weak but they would hold, if only just. Pain, a reminder came back to him as his head filled with its sensation, his head was ringing from the hit he had taken. Blood caked fingers found the spot upon his head and could feel the knot that was already there. Confused he turned around. He could not tell how he had travelled so far after being taken from his feet. The clearing a haunting reminder that he was far from any impact. He thought on this but gave up knowing that these woods would never give up their secrets. The decaying undergrowth and rotting trees a reminder that with time everything disappeared, to become the food for a new existence.

As he turned he realized two things. First it was unclear where he had come from. There was no distinct path leading into or out of the clearing. and for all his searching he could not find any footprints or proof that his passing came from any direction. Second, off in the distance he spotted a small light. It was far off but it was there. A marker of life, an inhabitant of the forest, humanity. With out thought his legs were carrying him in the direction of the light. Out of the relative safety of the clearing and back into the woods. There had to be somebody ahead. Someone to provide answers for how he had gotten here, how his peace was disturbed by his forced journey through this dark landscape.

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Legs pump like pistons working the wheels of some great machine. Each step a forceful landing in the damp dirt beneath his feet. Detachment fills his sense as he knows only one thing. Need. Need to escape. Need to be free of this place of silence and desolation. Need to escape the threat of the unseen demon shadowing his back and every move. Need to survive. This was what filled the mans thoughts. The animal instinct to push on even when a predators presence cannot not be verified. Instinct and need.

The woods were now full of sound and commotion, all coming from the man who was now fleeing the unknown. His breath gasping rasps against the cool night air. Steam billowed from his lungs as his moist breath caught in the air. The rustling of his warn clothes heard as his frame moved through the mossy growth and twisted trees of the dark forrest. Sounds of his flight though could not pierce the sound of his heart pounding in his chest and the blood throbbing in his veins. His head pulsed with the feel of adrenaline, fear and terror. His legs carried him further and further into the old wood, down the only path he could see. Its rutted damp floor full of hazards, stumps, rocks and fallen branches. He leaped over the biggest of them moving as an animal in the night. Fleeing. The smaller ones he failed to notice and just let his momentum carry him through. Soon though the path, lit only by the dim blue light of the moon began to narrow and the forest began to close in. As if a trap was beginning to close shut around him. He was the rabbit taking the bait and could do nothing but continue. The only other choice was inconceivable. He could not stop, he could not turn. To do so would be the end. He felt this in his heart. It was the only truth he knew.

The forest began to reach its prickly fingers out to greet the man. Branches began to place their wooden tendrils agains his face and limbs. His bare arms were his shield. Reaching out into the night infront of him to shield his face and eyes from the barage of branches and thorny vines. Soon a sting began to grow from the tips of his bloodied fingers to the crook of his arm and his attempts at a defense were all but thwarted. The branches and wooden daggers began to find their home in the skin of his dirtied cheeks and brow. Blood began to mix with the sweat on his forehead and flow into his eyes. His vision became clouded and stained red, stinging with the salty sweat and dirt that was washed into them. He could taste his own blood upon his lips and his legs began to fail him. The adrenaline was gone, now replaced with fatigue. each stumbling step more unsure then the last.

He was now a lumbering beast in the night. His chest heaving and pained at the lack of oxygen to fill his need. His instincts and need to escape could only drive him so far. The pistons that were his legs were now a rubbery mess of flesh and bone. returned to there primary make up. He had to give up all of his strength just to maintain his upright state. this would become even more impossible as the trail began to disappear until it was nothing more than a memory of a past route the woods had reclaimed ages ago. He could nto stop though and made his way zig zagging through the trees and growth until the moon evaporated from the sky and there was nothing but darkness and the faint silhouettes of the objects around him. Now ghostly shapes reaching to claim his soul. He could feel the hands of the demon caressing his back. The man screamed, the last troubled gasp from his lunges as a force took him from his feet and there was nothing but the taste of blood and dirt in his mouth and the cool damp fealing of the earth beneath his head. He finally gave up and gave in to the blackness, though it was not a choice he really had.

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