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Too long left untended

It has been a long time since I have ventured onto wordpress. It took me a few attempts to remember my login and password but I made it on after a few attempts and accidentally sending a reset email to whoever uses dbahr as their login. As I figured out that my login was danbahr. Maybe though this is something I still need. A good way to get some things off of my mind and to share some of my creativity when I feel like it. 

It has been almost a year and a half since I was last on this site. Amazing to me and kind of depressing to see my lack of commitment to something that I enjoyed doing. I gave a quick glance to my site statistics and the funny thing was that my site had its busiest viewing day in august of this year. 400 plus views and that was a year+ removed from my last post. Well I hope that my checking back in here is not a temporary  endeavor. I hope that I an keep it up again and let this be my catharsis again.

Life has seen its ups and downs as is the norm. An up was that in august of this years I passed my three year anniversary staying sober. Something that I never thought I could attain. I feel pretty strong in my resolve to stay off the sauce but it is always a fear or worry that is in the back of my mind. The funny thing is that the fear of letting my family and friends down is probably one of my greatest motivators. Add that to the fact that I would not be able to live with myself if I made that mistake and went back.

One of the downs seems to be looming over my head. I feel a dark cloud is shadowing my path and I need some help that I let go of a few years ago. Over the past few weeks I have had issues every day with not being able to catch my breath or breath deeply. I went the classic “guy” route and let it go for far too long before finally succumbing to the pleas and demands of my friends and family to go into the doctor. I did so and made an appointment with my family doctor, well not actually my family doctor as she is far to busy and over booked to be seen on short notice. Anyways it was one of the nurse practitioners that work at the clinic I go to. I let her know what I was experiencing. I said I was wondering if it was asthma or something else with my longs. She promptly did some tests, checked my breathing, did an ekg, drew some blood. In the end they could not find anything. Everything came back normal. So upon her looking at my medical history and the pharmacopia of medications I was on previously she decided it was most likely anxiety. She asked me why I stopped taking all the meds I was previously and I said because at the time my insurance ended. I realized going into the appointment that anxiety was a possibility. My fiance had said as much as I was calling and making the appointment. 

When my life was at its lowest point I was diagnosed as being manic depressive with social anxiety disorder. Or something along those lines. I cannot remember exactly. Just means that my moods can go up and down and I can have some issues with anxiety, sometimes rather large issues. I was on bipolar meds(2 different types), anti depressants, a pill that helped boost the other pills, anxiety meds and meds to help me sleep. It was an interesting mix and definitely something I do not want to fully go back on. I was a walking zombie. Tremors and all. I was definitely not myself on all of these meds, but it did get me through the worst of what I was going through. In hind sight it was not the best decision to quit all of these cold turkey. I went through a week of hell but have made some strides on my own. Now I realize my own will power is not enough.

So anyways the doctor(you know what I mean) prescribed Lamictal, a mood stabilizer mainly for bipolar disorder. Upon hearing this and that this was the decision and knowing that it was most likely anxiety I was not happy and felt even more depressed. Depressed because I knew that this was not going to be the short term fix that I need at this time. My issue may have been opening up about my past and telling the doc why I checked myself into a psych ward. She did not want to prescribe me any sedative and in her tone I realized that she thought I was either a pill seeker or would do something risky with these meds. The first thought that went through my head was that I am not a damn pill seeker. I have not been to a doctor in over 2 1/2 years. That is not the normal pill seeker type. I have not drank in over 3 years. I have not done drugs(the hardest I have ever done was some hash and marijuana in college) in over 8 years. My second thought was this. If you think I was going to do something stupid and off myself with these pills you have got to be kidding. With the copious amounts of prescribed meds I was on previously I could have ended my life a few times over if I wanted to. 

With these thoughts in my mind I took the referral to a behavioral specialist, psychiatrist, and my prescription for lamictal and left. I left realizing there would be no short term relief and I would continue to suffer. I had the immediate urge to just break down into tears. I had the immediate urge to just toss the phone number away and go on suffering and hope it would go away. I had the anxiety of having to go to another doctor and explain my issues all over again and hope I was not looked down upon. Despite all of this I did call and make an appointment. At the time the earliest was a week and a half away so now I have to tough it out for a little bit longer.

I have suffered with something like this my whole life. Depression, anxiety and manic swings. It can be as little as having issues breathing properly, to my heart racing in public situations, like going to the grocery store. It can be the unseen anchor that makes it nearly impossible to break free and get out of the house from time to time. It can be the feeling of being in a tunnel under water with the weight of a thousand oceans sitting on top of me. It can be my mind going into overdrive right as I am laying my head upon a pillow making sleep all but impossible. It can be a small event that brings me nearly to tears and sometimes all the way there. It can be absolutely debilitating.

I definitely need some help and I have the tools around me to get it. I have decent insurance that makes seeing a mental health specialist practical and affordable. I have family around me that mostly support me. Especially my Dad and my Brother. My father knows what anxiety and depression can do and he understands what I am going through. He has also been there for me no matter what, no questions asked. He has saved me on more than one occasion  My brother is my best friend and he has been there to see me through the worst of it and make sure I had a good footing before trying to heal on my own again. I also have a good woman by my side who is supportive. I love her and want to be better able to support her as well. 

I think for now this is more than enough for one post. I hope to use this more often. I do not have the energy to go back and check this for errors so I hope it is readable. I think the writing is another tool that helps me not stagnate inside my own head. I plan on competing in NaNoWriMo again this year. The National Novel Writing Month. I just need to come up with a good story. It is a good way to occupy my mind.

Anyways. Good Night WordPress and Facebook Friends.

Dan

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My life is ever evolving and changing. The future is a path that I only see a step or two at a time. I know the general direction in which I am headed but I don’t really know how I am going to get there or what the end result is going to be. At this point in my life I am okay with that because I know that I am in a good place and have a decent foundation to carry me in the right direction.

My life has changed so much in the past two years and even more so in the past two months. Those changes are continuing and this month there are going to be some pretty big ones. First off after almost two years at work they are moving me into a full time position. Money wise this is not going to be an earth shattering change as I make pretty decent money working 4 days a week. The big advantage will be the benefits, health insurance and vacation. If I could stay where I was when it comes to hours I would, but I cannot give up the chance at insurance. It is a step in the right direction and I know that this will be a great thing for me. I am already starting my schedule and at least that will help this month to go quickly. The speed at which this month passes is an important thing because of the second big change in my life.

On June 1st I will be moving to a much nicer place. It is a 3 bedroom deluxe apartment. The place is gorgeous, vaulted ceilings, two bathrooms, washer and drier in unit, dish washer, large kitchen with breakfast bar, office nook, and a whopping 1300 square feet. That alone is awesome but the fact that I will be moving in with the love of my life makes the moment even that much better. Christina and I have pretty much decided that going slowly just isn’t in the cards for us. We want to spend every free  moment we have together, and her living with friends and me in my tiny apartment with our different schedules just isn’t cutting it. Many will still think we are going too quickly, but we know how we feel and we know how life has changed us. We spent almost 5 years of our lives together and know where things went wrong. Love was never the issue.

I am very much excited for both of these changes and cannot wait to see how the future unfolds before me. Life is still surprising and amazing me, I feel I have to keep letting it do that for me, so much better than being stuck in a dull rut of the mundane. More steps in the right direction, life is ahead of me and the climb is getting easier every day.

Haiku – Second Act

Hands holding tightly

Life’s second act renewed

The path lies ahead

Take me for who I am

Take me for who I am, not the man I once was
Demons in the dark, long dead and past
Reminders mark the way, histories collapse
Pages long since turned, a future yet written
Life lived by each moment, here and now
Each day another chance, better than the last

Take me for who I am
Right here Right now
Take me for who I am
Here I stand tall
Take me for who I am
Hope is alive

Take me for Who I am, better for who I was
Shadows filled my heart, hid from the day
Life’s light reflects, shadows take their leave
No more regret torn, only a path forward
Never will I be, a perfect image of humanity
A chance though, to become every bit of me

Take me for who I am
Right here Right now
Take me for who I am
Here I stand tall
Take me for who I am
Hope is alive

Take Me
Take Me

by: Dan Bahr

Haiku

No laughing now, trying some Haiku as I have not tried to write them in the past.

Emerald Eyes

They shine in the light

Green as the spring’s fresh rebirth

Her emerald eyes

I have been looking forward to this weekend. My anticipation growing with every day as it gets just a little bit closer. Holidays have always meant a lot to me. Time to be with my family and all of those who I care about. Our busy schedules put aside as we are reminded of what is important in our lives. The ideas of why the holidays are there may not ring as true for me because of my beliefs but the idea of being with those you love elevates them to a special occasion for me. This is even more so the truth this year as I have some very special people back in my life. A woman who I love more than anything in the world and a little man who I want to help create some wonderful memories with.

When children are involved holidays mean so much more. Just the prospect of the special occasion has me reminiscing about my childhood and all of the good memories that I have. I was always so blessed to have a mother and father who cared about us kids deeply and always gave us everything they possibly could. I remember searching for easter eggs and trying to find my hidden basket. I remember that we always had far more than we probably deserved. Looking back we did not know how great we truly had it. Now I want to bring some of that joy into another child’s life. I want to pass on some of the memories that were given to me and hope that he can experience some of the same things. I am looking forward to coloring eggs with Christina and him. Looking forward to Sunday morning and laughter and taking in the moment.

There is so much in my past that I neglected. It really makes you see what counts when the dust of the day is washed away. There are some things in our lives that when we wake up in the morning will hold no meaning, they are just something we have to go through in life. Then there are some things that hold more importance than we can ever fully appreciate. If we can tell which is which, we will be ahead of the game. Each day I think this is becoming more and more clear.

May all of you have a wonderful Easter. I hope that no matter what you are surrounded with friends and family. Make sure that those you love know just how much they mean to you.

🙂 Dan

 

 

 

Lifes Long Last Tick

 

The weight of the world ways down on me,

Footing slips and inches are given.

A desperate search no holds to see,

My fate in life is all but chosen.

 

The black abyss below reaches out,

It’s cold tendrils securely find hold.

A last breath given to life’s last bout,

No doubt what stories there will be told.

 

A peace is known in that last moment,

Surrender’s certainty ending known.

All my energy and heart long spent,

Fighting for everything all alone.

 

Times long last beat ticks upon my soul,

In that second a revelation.

Panic shakes screams ring inside my skull,

This is not my end nor my station.

 

I tear at the earth sod stone and dirt,

Anything, anywhere but below.

Far too much here for me to desert,

The bare fields of my life still to sew.

 

The weight lifts from my tired shoulder,

Its burden lessened by what can be.

The chance to live on and grow older,

No longer known what ending I’ll see.