Posts Tagged ‘Choices’

It was a holiday season that seemed to be more of what it should be. Different than what it has been in the recent past. Holidays have not been my friend but I think lately I am trying to make the conscious decision to not let the past ruin what could be the good moments of my present. It comes down to a choice I have when I do everything in my life. The easy choice is to be a scrooge and piss and moan and dwell on what is lost and how I have the right to be an emo little bitch. Don’t ask me where that came from I am just flowing with it. That is the easy way but also the way that ends up breaking me down more and more. The right choice is to try to live in the moment, which I think I am doing more and more.

My grandma said something to me christmas morning as we sat at her kitchen table alone drinking coffee. “You have had a good year” There was not much else except that said, but even though i might not be exactly where I want to be in life she is right. I have had a good year considering what could have hung over my head. The year did not start out the best I am sure, mainly because of the copious amounts of prescription meds I was on… all prescribed and prescribed dosages. I was a walking zombie. Most of that time seems like a distant movie to me, memories are all fuzzy and surely there are multiple reasons for that. Even with this the year got better and better for me. Work seems to be a place I actually enjoy going to. The people are great to me and many of them I would consider good friends now. I have transitioned to my own place and have become accustomed to living on my own after years spent a part of another family and then my retreat back home and then staying with a friend.

I seem to be finding my own path again after so many detours and dead ends and many construction zones. It is not a grand life by far but it is my own and I have some control over it. There are many things that I still would like to change and work on, they will come in time though. Every day is another step, hopefully if I am lucky it is in the right direction. It is okay though if every now and then i have a step back, that is the nature of life and it does not make me a failure. A failure is sitting and letting that miss step ruin your momentum and mood. I can’t let that happen anymore.

Anyways, it was a good holiday. Christmas may not have the same meaning for me as it does for others. I won’t get into the religious talk or debate because to be honest I could care less at the moment. For me it is about reconnecting with the ones you love. Family friends and all of those in your life. It is about living your days with a little lighter step and an easier smile on your face. Remembering the good things in life and learning from what has gone wrong. Living the day knowing that life can be shortened far too easily and it would be a shame to those who are lost if you wasted the days that you still have on this earth. One never knows what is around the next corner, good or bad.

Merry Christmas to everyone who actually reads this.



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Smiling happy families sitting in front of roaring fireplaces, wearing festive holiday sweaters and sipping cocoa. The picture image of a christmas card to be hung for all to see. Norman Rockwell images of a life that all attain to reach. the problem is that this does not really exist. We think that other people have these lives. The grass always being greener on the other side. We want to have what they have, be happy as they are. This is something that is only a myth though. We might see the picture perfect families and feel envious of them, but the truth is that no one really has this perfect life. Everyone is flawed, everyone has little cracks in their make up that show a little of the true life and heart that hides with in.

This is not to be a glum post, pre christmas. This is merely to be a post explaining that no one is perfect. No one has a life out of the perfect holiday movies. The key seems to be that we make the best out of what we have. I have realized this more and more. I can make the choice to focus on the things that make my life a little bit better. It is my choice if I want to be down, dwelling in the gutters of life. This is not forced upon me, this is not something that I have to live and feel. I can do differently and better. Also though if I deny the past, deny what has shaped me and marked me I am doing a disservice as well. The past has happened, I can’t change it, that is where the dangerous thoughts come in. I can learn from it and realize there is a better way through.

Yesterday was a day where I could have made the wrong choice. I could have felt sorry for myself and grieved over the losses of my past, most obviously with the anniversary of my mother’s passing. I did not though. Yes it was on my mind, and I miss her. But I did not think of how I could have done better and felt pitiful for myself in her loss. I just tried to live the day as well as I could and for the most part it was a success.

Life is never quite as we expect or want it to be. The perfect cookie cutter image does not exist except only in our imagination. We all do what we have to. We live our lives and survive through every day. Some days are better than others and in the end we can hope that the good outnumber the bad.


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