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Posts Tagged ‘Creativity’

Another year and another nano under way. So far I am off to a good start. Four days in and I am just shy of 11k words. Not too bad of a start. I am treating it a little differently this year. Usually I go a little crazy and over do it in the beginning, days of 5000-8000 words and sometimes more. This is great till I get near the end and can’t quite find the energy or will to complete my story and see it through. Now this is not to say that I have not succeeded at the challenge. One year I had a late start and had my own nano in a 30 day period, just not in November. Two years ago I was able to complete Nano in its normal time. I actually wrote a story that was well over 100,000 words but could not bring it to an end. This year I am trying to take a much different approach. My goal is to consistently write around 2500 words a day and even if at the end of the month I am not at the end of my story I have to keep working till the story is at its end.

This may be a fun challenge but my bigger goal is to craft a novel that I would be proud to share with my fiends and family. If I am very lucky I would love to be published or self publish.

As the story goes I am pretty happy with how things are progressing. I am discovering some of the key characters and beginning to craft the magical system that glows through the world. I have already introduced some interesting creatures into the story and have some great ideas for more to show up in later pages. I have set the scene and the action is about to take off.

ūüôā

Outside of the writing which was a success, it was a good weekend. My step son was up and on Saturday the three of us went to a concert. It was a Christian rock festival. Not my normal thing but some of the music was pretty good. The message might not have been the same for me but live music is live music. I do feel like a little bit of an outsider at those sort of things. Like at some point one of them is going to point at me and shout nonbeliever! I am paranoid and over anxious about it bit it is a weird thought that I have. I tried to just concentrate on the good tunes. I did love that we were able to go as a family.

For this coming week I am looking forward to seeing my doctor again. Things are getting a little better. I am definitely more level. Have not have the moments of breaking down for no good reason. I do feel that even though I am more even it I a level that is still on the downer side. That is okay though as they are going to add an antidepressant into the mix this week. The anxiety is still pretty bad though. That is one thing I am going to make sure to let her know.

Well that is a quick summary. I hope to have an update again later this week. Maybe I will post an excerpt.

Dan

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It has been a long time since I have ventured onto wordpress. It took me a few attempts to remember my login and password but I made it on after a few attempts and accidentally sending a reset email to whoever uses dbahr as their login. As I figured out that my login was danbahr. Maybe though this is something I still need. A good way to get some things off of my mind and to share some of my creativity when I feel like it. 

It has been almost a year and a half since I was last on this site. Amazing to me and kind of depressing to see my lack of commitment to something that I enjoyed doing. I gave a quick glance to my site statistics and the funny thing was that my site had its busiest viewing day in august of this year. 400 plus views and that was a year+ removed from my last post. Well I hope that my checking back in here is not a temporary  endeavor. I hope that I an keep it up again and let this be my catharsis again.

Life has seen its ups and downs as is the norm. An up was that in august of this years I passed my three year anniversary staying sober. Something that I never thought I could attain. I feel pretty strong in my resolve to stay off the sauce but it is always a fear or worry that is in the back of my mind. The funny thing is that the fear of letting my family and friends down is probably one of my greatest motivators. Add that to the fact that I would not be able to live with myself if I made that mistake and went back.

One of the downs seems to be looming over my head. I feel a dark cloud is shadowing my path and I need some help that I let go of a few years ago. Over the past few weeks I have had issues every day with not being able to catch my breath or breath deeply. I went the classic “guy” route and let it go for far too long before finally¬†succumbing¬†to the pleas and demands of my friends and family to go into the doctor. I did so and made an appointment with my family doctor, well not actually my family doctor as she is far to busy and over booked to be seen on short notice. Anyways it was one of the nurse practitioners that work at the clinic I go to. I let her know what I was experiencing. I said I was wondering if it was asthma or something else with my longs. She¬†promptly¬†did some tests, checked my breathing, did an ekg, drew some blood. In the end they could not find anything. Everything came back normal. So upon her looking at my medical history and the pharmacopia of medications I was on previously she decided it was most likely anxiety. She asked me why I stopped taking all the meds I was previously and I said because at the time my insurance ended. I realized going into the appointment that anxiety was a possibility. My fiance had said as much as I was calling and making the appointment.¬†

When my life was at its lowest point I was diagnosed as being manic depressive with social anxiety disorder. Or something along those lines. I cannot remember exactly. Just means that my moods can go up and down and I can have some issues with anxiety, sometimes rather large issues. I was on bipolar meds(2 different types), anti depressants, a pill that helped boost the other pills, anxiety meds and meds to help me sleep. It was an interesting mix and definitely something I do not want to fully go back on. I was a walking zombie. Tremors and all. I was definitely not myself on all of these meds, but it did get me through the worst of what I was going through. In hind sight it was not the best decision to quit all of these cold turkey. I went through a week of hell but have made some strides on my own. Now I realize my own will power is not enough.

So anyways the doctor(you know what I mean) prescribed Lamictal, a mood stabilizer mainly for bipolar disorder. Upon hearing this and that this was the decision and knowing that it was most likely anxiety I was not happy and felt even more depressed. Depressed because I knew that this was not going to be the short term fix that I need at this time. My issue may have been opening up about my past and telling the doc why I checked myself into a psych ward. She did not want to prescribe me any sedative and in her tone I realized that she thought I was either a pill seeker or would do something risky with these meds. The first thought that went through my head was that I am not a damn pill seeker. I have not been to a doctor in over 2 1/2 years. That is not the normal pill seeker type. I have not drank in over 3 years. I have not done drugs(the hardest I have ever done was some hash and marijuana in college) in over 8 years. My second thought was this. If you think I was going to do something stupid and off myself with these pills you have got to be kidding. With the copious amounts of prescribed meds I was on previously I could have ended my life a few times over if I wanted to. 

With these thoughts in my mind I took the referral to a behavioral specialist, psychiatrist, and my prescription for lamictal and left. I left realizing there would be no short term relief and I would continue to suffer. I had the immediate urge to just break down into tears. I had the immediate urge to just toss the phone number away and go on suffering and hope it would go away. I had the anxiety of having to go to another doctor and explain my issues all over again and hope I was not looked down upon. Despite all of this I did call and make an appointment. At the time the earliest was a week and a half away so now I have to tough it out for a little bit longer.

I have suffered with something like this my whole life. Depression, anxiety and manic swings. It can be as little as having issues breathing properly, to my heart racing in public situations, like going to the grocery store. It can be the unseen anchor that makes it nearly impossible to break free and get out of the house from time to time. It can be the feeling of being in a tunnel under water with the weight of a thousand oceans sitting on top of me. It can be my mind going into overdrive right as I am laying my head upon a pillow making sleep all but impossible. It can be a small event that brings me nearly to tears and sometimes all the way there. It can be absolutely debilitating.

I definitely need some help and I have the tools around me to get it. I have decent insurance that makes seeing a mental health specialist practical and affordable. I have family around me that mostly support me. Especially my Dad and my Brother. My father knows what anxiety and depression can do and he understands what I am going through. He has also been there for me no matter what, no questions asked. He has saved me on more than one occasion  My brother is my best friend and he has been there to see me through the worst of it and make sure I had a good footing before trying to heal on my own again. I also have a good woman by my side who is supportive. I love her and want to be better able to support her as well. 

I think for now this is more than enough for one post. I hope to use this more often. I do not have the energy to go back and check this for errors so I hope it is readable. I think the writing is another tool that helps me not stagnate inside my own head. I plan on competing in NaNoWriMo again this year. The National Novel Writing Month. I just need to come up with a good story. It is a good way to occupy my mind.

Anyways. Good Night WordPress and Facebook Friends.

Dan

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Haiku

No laughing now, trying some Haiku as I have not tried to write them in the past.

Emerald Eyes

They shine in the light

Green as the spring’s fresh rebirth

Her emerald eyes

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Feeling like doing some more writing. I don’t know it what form that will be. Maybe some poetry or short stories would be the right path for me to venture down. I know that whatever I work on my perspective is definitely changed over what it has been. Life is changing and that is always the one constant that we can be sure of. Sometimes, if we are lucky, those changes are positive. So I can see the future through a much brighter light right now. Everything is just a little bit better, sweeter, more colorful and more vivid. I leave you with some of my sappiness in all of its sappy glory. You can feel queasy if you like or you can share in the joy that I am feeling.

This is for the one I love, the one who was in my life for so long and then gone in a flash. Now our paths have brought us back together and we are both in different, better places than we have been in the past. So here goes. Short and sweet.

 

A future we can have

 

It is there upon my sleeve,

Open bare to the light of day.

My fears and doubts I will leave,

The risk worth any price to pay .

 

My heart there for you to take,

Trust your hands to safely hold.

Love I no longer forsake,

Once lost and out in the cold.

 

Your eyes hold a reflection,

Of the future we can mold.

A life that we can fashion,

Of the love that we both hold

 

 

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I was in an odd mood yesterday, I could only classify it as being manic. Extra talkative, joking around and being more up than anything else. Swinging a bit is part of my life but the pendulum tends to be stuck in the lower portions of that swing more often than not. For the most part I would consider my mood a good thing, if not for the fact that it was a nice sidebar from what my life usually is. Dwelling on negative things tends to consume me so it was nice just to have some energy and be a little excitable. At the end of the work day I did have some conversations with my coworkers that went more into the darker places of my life. Dealing with my past and relationships and trying to move on in my life. I always worry in hindsight that I am sharing too much. I worry that I am coming off a but batty and most likely I am, hopefully in an endearing way. It can be endearing right? I am going to think that it can. One of my coworkers has gone through something similar as me in recent history so it is nice to talk to her because at least I know she understands. I probably rely too heavily on my work friendships to talk about such things, but they really are the only people I talk to on a regular basis. I am around them more than anybody else. It may be convenience but also in a way i trust them because I know them.

On a side note my novel is coming along. I should make the nanowrimo goal by this weekend, though the novel will nowhere near be finished I will have succeeded at the monthly contest. I had to break down yesterday and plan out a few chapters after the first 38,000 words were written from the hip with no real story line. I felt the need to do so, so that I could start reigning in some of the characters stories so that they could begin to come back together for the climax of the story. I am happy with my progress but must admit that writing in a more real life setting instead of sci fi or fantasy has been more difficult for me than I expected. It has been a challenge but that is a good thing.

Well I work today then have three days off to so some marathon writing. Hope all are having a good day.

Dan

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My mind is a machine that is never at rest. It rarely stops moving or flashing from thought to thought, memory to memory. For the most part this is not a good thing. There are times though when this can be used to my advantage if I am able to focus those thoughts in a certain direction. Nanowrimo has given me that oppurtunity and it really is amazing how quickly things can change.

I know this is only day number 5 but I have already noticed a few things. Once I started to think of a story to write it seemed that all of my free time is spent thinking of where I am headed and working out different possibilities. Usually I am filled with depressing thoughts and so many “what ifs” and “Could have done betters” that I want to scream and pull my hear out. It is the nature of my mind. Having something positive to focus on is a wonderful relief. The empty moments are filled with somthing constructive now. When I think of these things I just feel better that I am trying to accomplish something and not just dwelling on things that I can no longer change. These thoughts are centered more on a future that I am still building and creating, even if it is only in a fictional world.

Granted, I realize that I don’t even know if what I am writing is any good, to be honest I don’t really care. I just want to keep working on it, and I desperately hope that I can maintain this even after nanowrimo is done. Nano may have been the catalyst that started me on writing again, I need to take the initiative though to keep fueling the fire that is my creativity. So many times I let an obsession and new task take me, only to let it sit on the back burner a few weeks down the road. I cannot do that any longer. I have to stick with something and see it through. This task brings me peace and it keeps one of the last dreams I have alive. the dream of one day finishing a novel.

Here’s hoping I can see it through.

Dan

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I have very few close friends in my life. They can be counted on one hand with a few free fingers to spare. My life has always been this way, I don’t know why it is this way but it is and as the years tick away it seems like it is going to stay that way. Some of the friendships I had became more difficult following my divorce as the friends I had made came with the package. We have not hung out or done anything in a long time, mainly since the split. Much of this is because of the feelings that are brought up when I see them. I know this is silly but my mind only needs a small catalyst to drag me into a dark place.

Tonight though we got together and were able to spend a nice evening together. George and I chatted and hung out for a bit then we all had dinner together which was nice and more then a little humorous. I miss moments like this. Camaraderie. Just being with others and letting go and having fun. I have not laughed so much in a long time or made others laugh as much either. We had a great dinner and then George and I brainstormed and talked about our NaNoWriMo stories. It was nice just to discuss things and talk about where I thought my story was headed. We are two very different styled writers. George is the plotter and storyliner. I usually just get an idea and set a stage and plow ahead from there without looking back. It is fun to compare. We both also were able to get some writing done which was a plus. It was a great night overall.

There are a few things that I realized tonight. I have few friends and I need to stay in contact with the ones I do have. Secondly I can’t let the past always get in the way of living my life and enjoying the things I do have right now. There are always going to be rough memories and that is something I cannot escape, but I do have some people to talk to and many of them know where I am coming from. This couple is among those people.

We agreed to get together a few more times during this month to work on nanowrimo and just hang out.  I am looking forward to it.

By the way, Nano update I surpassed the halfway mark of the goal of 50,000 words. This is a pretty good feat considering it is only day number 4. The story is coming along nicely as well.

Good Night

Dan

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