Posts Tagged ‘Dad’

I had the chance to have breakfast with my family this morning before I had to go in to work. My family has been through a lot and we are definitely still very much a work in progress. I know that I am not perfect when it comes to my life and the decisions I have made. I understand that no one is. A couple of weeks ago things came to a head with my dad and my brother and I. My dad let us know his feelings on where he though my brother and I stood with him. He was hurting because there really has been very little time for all of us to get together and be a family. In some ways he thought we hated him.

When I took in what he was saying all I could feel was pain that he would feel that way about us or think that that could possibly be the truth. He was right on much of what he was saying. Not the idea that we could hate him, which is further from the truth than anything. More so in the idea that we have not been making the time as we might have in the past to hang out. I cannot speak for my brother but I know when it comes to myself it is a very tricky issue. I tend to be the type to withdraw and hide from things that bring up memories in my life that are painful. Part of this comes from the fact that when my marriage was falling apart my dad was finding the love of his life. ┬áNaturally this is now attached to a memory in my mind of what I have lost. Other’s happiness should buoy me and lift my spirits. It tends to just bring me down into a place of darkness. Being that I know what kind of emotions this brings up I don’t make the effort I should to include myself in my dad’s life.

One of the second issues that is always there is the fact that less than two years ago I lost my mother, we all lost her. and months before that my parents relationship finally broke its last seam and split down the middle. These two events are things that one does not just forget and move on quickly from. Especially being as how my mother and I had a close relationship and were friends till the day she left this world. Everyone moves on from such tragic events in different ways and at different times. The fact that I had the extra weight of my own marriage torn away from me has lead to a longer period of healing for me. I mean my divorce will have its one year anniversary this december. These events though oddly feel so much further in the past. Maybe because it is so much to feel, so much to go through every day.

When we lost mom we had known her our whole lives. Now there is someone else with my dad. She is a good woman. I really don’t know an awful lot about her. We really have not had much time to do things together and that is on all of us. We have only known her for about a year and a few months. I know it is still going to take time. That is the only thing that will make things easier. We also need to make sure that we all talk to each other and don’t let things get bottled up. I had a chance to talk to my dad after things were brought to the surface and I am pretty sure he knows how I really feel. I don’t really know how else to act. I have not been through anything like this at any other time in my life. Their are no neat little directions and maps to guide us. We can look for help and advice but it always comes down to how we all handle ourselves and if we all put the effort in.

I know that I have to try harder. Whether it is small things like stopping by to say hello or just getting together like we did this morning for breakfast. I do enjoy these moments. I like getting together and laughing because everyone knows I do not do enough of that lately. Laugh that is. It will get better. I know that it has to. My dad means the world to me. He has never judged me. He has always been there for me when I have been hurting the most. He has saved me on more than one occassion from damaging myself permanently. I need to show him a little more of the same.



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