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Posts Tagged ‘family’

It has been a long time since I have ventured onto wordpress. It took me a few attempts to remember my login and password but I made it on after a few attempts and accidentally sending a reset email to whoever uses dbahr as their login. As I figured out that my login was danbahr. Maybe though this is something I still need. A good way to get some things off of my mind and to share some of my creativity when I feel like it. 

It has been almost a year and a half since I was last on this site. Amazing to me and kind of depressing to see my lack of commitment to something that I enjoyed doing. I gave a quick glance to my site statistics and the funny thing was that my site had its busiest viewing day in august of this year. 400 plus views and that was a year+ removed from my last post. Well I hope that my checking back in here is not a temporary  endeavor. I hope that I an keep it up again and let this be my catharsis again.

Life has seen its ups and downs as is the norm. An up was that in august of this years I passed my three year anniversary staying sober. Something that I never thought I could attain. I feel pretty strong in my resolve to stay off the sauce but it is always a fear or worry that is in the back of my mind. The funny thing is that the fear of letting my family and friends down is probably one of my greatest motivators. Add that to the fact that I would not be able to live with myself if I made that mistake and went back.

One of the downs seems to be looming over my head. I feel a dark cloud is shadowing my path and I need some help that I let go of a few years ago. Over the past few weeks I have had issues every day with not being able to catch my breath or breath deeply. I went the classic “guy” route and let it go for far too long before finally succumbing to the pleas and demands of my friends and family to go into the doctor. I did so and made an appointment with my family doctor, well not actually my family doctor as she is far to busy and over booked to be seen on short notice. Anyways it was one of the nurse practitioners that work at the clinic I go to. I let her know what I was experiencing. I said I was wondering if it was asthma or something else with my longs. She promptly did some tests, checked my breathing, did an ekg, drew some blood. In the end they could not find anything. Everything came back normal. So upon her looking at my medical history and the pharmacopia of medications I was on previously she decided it was most likely anxiety. She asked me why I stopped taking all the meds I was previously and I said because at the time my insurance ended. I realized going into the appointment that anxiety was a possibility. My fiance had said as much as I was calling and making the appointment. 

When my life was at its lowest point I was diagnosed as being manic depressive with social anxiety disorder. Or something along those lines. I cannot remember exactly. Just means that my moods can go up and down and I can have some issues with anxiety, sometimes rather large issues. I was on bipolar meds(2 different types), anti depressants, a pill that helped boost the other pills, anxiety meds and meds to help me sleep. It was an interesting mix and definitely something I do not want to fully go back on. I was a walking zombie. Tremors and all. I was definitely not myself on all of these meds, but it did get me through the worst of what I was going through. In hind sight it was not the best decision to quit all of these cold turkey. I went through a week of hell but have made some strides on my own. Now I realize my own will power is not enough.

So anyways the doctor(you know what I mean) prescribed Lamictal, a mood stabilizer mainly for bipolar disorder. Upon hearing this and that this was the decision and knowing that it was most likely anxiety I was not happy and felt even more depressed. Depressed because I knew that this was not going to be the short term fix that I need at this time. My issue may have been opening up about my past and telling the doc why I checked myself into a psych ward. She did not want to prescribe me any sedative and in her tone I realized that she thought I was either a pill seeker or would do something risky with these meds. The first thought that went through my head was that I am not a damn pill seeker. I have not been to a doctor in over 2 1/2 years. That is not the normal pill seeker type. I have not drank in over 3 years. I have not done drugs(the hardest I have ever done was some hash and marijuana in college) in over 8 years. My second thought was this. If you think I was going to do something stupid and off myself with these pills you have got to be kidding. With the copious amounts of prescribed meds I was on previously I could have ended my life a few times over if I wanted to. 

With these thoughts in my mind I took the referral to a behavioral specialist, psychiatrist, and my prescription for lamictal and left. I left realizing there would be no short term relief and I would continue to suffer. I had the immediate urge to just break down into tears. I had the immediate urge to just toss the phone number away and go on suffering and hope it would go away. I had the anxiety of having to go to another doctor and explain my issues all over again and hope I was not looked down upon. Despite all of this I did call and make an appointment. At the time the earliest was a week and a half away so now I have to tough it out for a little bit longer.

I have suffered with something like this my whole life. Depression, anxiety and manic swings. It can be as little as having issues breathing properly, to my heart racing in public situations, like going to the grocery store. It can be the unseen anchor that makes it nearly impossible to break free and get out of the house from time to time. It can be the feeling of being in a tunnel under water with the weight of a thousand oceans sitting on top of me. It can be my mind going into overdrive right as I am laying my head upon a pillow making sleep all but impossible. It can be a small event that brings me nearly to tears and sometimes all the way there. It can be absolutely debilitating.

I definitely need some help and I have the tools around me to get it. I have decent insurance that makes seeing a mental health specialist practical and affordable. I have family around me that mostly support me. Especially my Dad and my Brother. My father knows what anxiety and depression can do and he understands what I am going through. He has also been there for me no matter what, no questions asked. He has saved me on more than one occasion  My brother is my best friend and he has been there to see me through the worst of it and make sure I had a good footing before trying to heal on my own again. I also have a good woman by my side who is supportive. I love her and want to be better able to support her as well. 

I think for now this is more than enough for one post. I hope to use this more often. I do not have the energy to go back and check this for errors so I hope it is readable. I think the writing is another tool that helps me not stagnate inside my own head. I plan on competing in NaNoWriMo again this year. The National Novel Writing Month. I just need to come up with a good story. It is a good way to occupy my mind.

Anyways. Good Night WordPress and Facebook Friends.

Dan

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I have been looking forward to this weekend. My anticipation growing with every day as it gets just a little bit closer. Holidays have always meant a lot to me. Time to be with my family and all of those who I care about. Our busy schedules put aside as we are reminded of what is important in our lives. The ideas of why the holidays are there may not ring as true for me because of my beliefs but the idea of being with those you love elevates them to a special occasion for me. This is even more so the truth this year as I have some very special people back in my life. A woman who I love more than anything in the world and a little man who I want to help create some wonderful memories with.

When children are involved holidays mean so much more. Just the prospect of the special occasion has me reminiscing about my childhood and all of the good memories that I have. I was always so blessed to have a mother and father who cared about us kids deeply and always gave us everything they possibly could. I remember searching for easter eggs and trying to find my hidden basket. I remember that we always had far more than we probably deserved. Looking back we did not know how great we truly had it. Now I want to bring some of that joy into another child’s life. I want to pass on some of the memories that were given to me and hope that he can experience some of the same things. I am looking forward to coloring eggs with Christina and him. Looking forward to Sunday morning and laughter and taking in the moment.

There is so much in my past that I neglected. It really makes you see what counts when the dust of the day is washed away. There are some things in our lives that when we wake up in the morning will hold no meaning, they are just something we have to go through in life. Then there are some things that hold more importance than we can ever fully appreciate. If we can tell which is which, we will be ahead of the game. Each day I think this is becoming more and more clear.

May all of you have a wonderful Easter. I hope that no matter what you are surrounded with friends and family. Make sure that those you love know just how much they mean to you.

🙂 Dan

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Time to take an aside from writing some prose and poetry and shed a little light on what has been going on in my life. Also I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read and also those who commented on my creative entries that I posted over the last couple of days. I appreciate your taking the time to read. I do get a lot of joy from creating something from scratch that comes from deep with in my mind. Anything I write has that much more truth when it is grounded in the reality of my life or feelings and that is true of what I have written recently. I also remember every time I return to my creativity just how much it relaxes me and allows me to feel like I accomplished something when I finish whatever project I am working on.

When it comes to my life and what has been going on with me I am still floating a little bit in the haze of my own wonderment. It still amazes me at how much my life has changed in such a short time. On the longer scale of things I have conquered and climbed a few mountains. On the shorter scale of time I have someone back in my life who I have always felt strongly about and now, this time around those feelings seem to be even stronger. To lose a soulmate and then have them return back into your life after so long is something that I am sure few will ever feel. Some of my friends and family are still hesitant but I know that we are both in much better places in our lives and have a firm foundation to create something so much better than we even experienced in the past.

Some times I still don’t believe that she is in my life. Sometimes I know that I am walking a little too softly afraid to step on any eggshells that might crack. I guess that caution is from knowing that there was a time when I essentially screwed up and took for granted the great thing that was in my life. That is beginning to fade now. I feel that I am more able to just be myself with out worry of stepping in the wrong places. I know more and more that she is with me now because the bond we have was strong enough to survive two years and be rekindled with just a little breath of wind. I feel like I can more and more be just myself. Not to say I was not that before, but I was also very cautious.

I am glad to see the support I am getting from my Dad and Brother. My brother is my best friend and my Dad has always been there for me, no matter what. A week or so ago My brother and his wife, Christina and I and some friends went out bowling and then we all ate dinner at my Brother’s house. We all had a good time and many laughs and things seemed to go very well. I know that Christina is very worried about being reintroduced to my family, and our close family friends. things did go a little messy when we split up, and things were said that should not have been. I worry about this too, as I just want most to be as open as they can and just see what we have right now. The present is the most important thing to live in. I know the time will come when all are comfortable with each other and I also know that the schedule for this will be set by her. All things will come in due time.

When it comes to things in other realms in my life all seems to be going well. I am trying to renew my attempts to become a little healthier. I can see that I have lost weight over the past year. I think the biggest thing is not drinking and not eating as much garbage, or bingeing when I do. More than anything I think that my body is just balancing out now. Even with this I realize I have to get out there and stay active. I have taken to walking every day. For at least 45 min to and hour. I think this is a good start and hopefully I will expand my efforts in the future. Maybe even look at a gym membership or the like. It would be nice to get back into lifting weights.

Work is going as well as ever. My numbers always seem to end the month well over what is expected. I can see after looking beyond the past year and what I am doing right now and every month seems to get better over the same month the previous year. I love my job more and more and count myself lucky to be doing something that I enjoy. July 1st will be my 2 year anniversary there and I can only hope for many more.

Think I have gone on for long enough, but it feels good to put down a good post on life again. Maybe tomorrow I will find the ambition to do some more writing.

Dan 🙂

 

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It seems to be a story that is told in cinema time and time again. An unexpected love blooms into a life all its own. Ups and downs fill that life until threads are pulled and things start to unravel due to personal demons, and not the fact that there is no more love there. The heart still feels even though things must come to an end and this causes even that much more pain. It can be seen in the eyes when goodbye is finally said for what feels the last time. The two individuals head down different paths. One path leads to the bottom of a life that has seen its decent last a little too long. He is given the chance though to make the decision to either start the climb back to the top or slowly die in the remnants of his life. The decision is made to look to the top.

The other looks to another life full of other possibilities. The two of them moving on in their lives working at the happiness that they see that they can have. Time comes and goes. Life moves along and stability builds in the man’s life, his worst demons finally safely locked in the cells where they belong. Happiness and a comfort in his life have settled in and after so many years finally feels as a grown man should. No longer feeling like some immature kid thrown into a life he was not ready for.

One day out of the blue a message he receives from the one who had his heart so firmly a few years past. Surprise is one of many emotions felt. A message sent at reconnecting a friendship that once meant so much. A debate wages inside his mind. Reminders of what went wrong and also the emotions and joy that was also felt being around her. In the end he comes to the understanding that his life is in a different place now. A different man and more a truer him than he has ever been in his life.

Messages back and forth lead to a meeting. Dinner and hanging out. talking, reconnecting, laughing and playing some games. It is a surreal feeling for him. Having her there, seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. How can two people who have seen life take them so far away after being so close be so comfortable? There would be more talks back and forth and other times hanging out, just relaxing and watching a movie or playing some games. Every time a feeling growing in him that his heart has never changed. The drum beat that was her inside his head only softened to a distant drown instead of the roar that it once was. That beat becoming a little louder again. He knows that she has been through a lot in life, her pacing at it maybe different, but still a journey that took a lot from her. All he wants is to be there for her. All he wants is to make her laugh and show her that life can be a thing to smile at again. He can feel that there is a bond there, but also a pain from a betrayal she has felt.

His head wants to yell at him to take it slow but his heart and soul want to jump in. A battle that wages in his mind. In the end his true self is one built on emotion and always has been. The heart can lead us to feel some of the greatest joys in life but this also leaves us open to pain if things do not go as planned. If life always went as planned we would never be so amazed at the surprises that it could spring on us. The good moments would never feel so good. The chance of pain makes the highs so much better. He makes his feelings known. He bares himself to her. Lets her know that whatever time it takes is worth it. He has waited almost two years without her in his life and now just enjoys every little moment that they can steal. Every bit of time that they have together. She is scared and rightfully so. He is not going anywhere though. A vow to be there for her, to show her that she can smile and enjoy the moment again.

Sometimes it takes two people going off and living their own lives. Feeling their own joys and pain. Experiencing the world on their own to show them just how much they mean to each other when the world brings them back together again. After what they have both been through they can see what is truly worth it in life. That even though something might not be easy, and may be full of complications it is worth it. Even if the world might think them odd or even a bit crazy. Even if they worry about what their family and friends might think only they know what they feel in their hearts. Only they can really understand where they are at in life and when life has shown you the ups and downs, when you are given a second chance with better circumstances, it is something you have to grasp.

Dan

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No matter how much we look towards greatness in the future and relive the mistakes of the past, the only thing that really matters is how we live our lives in the current moment. This is what really shapes us and it is the only thing that we can control. We can live with regret for the past but it will serve no purpose but to drag us down, and on the flip side if we put everything in the hopes of a great or better future we may be nothing but disappointed with the unreal expectations we put on ourselves. I am living for now, living to make this one day in front of me a little better then the last. If I do not, then I can start all over again tomorrow with a fresh perspective and clean slate.

Many will wonder where this is coming from and to be honest there is a great factor in my life that has me looking at what is different about me as a person right now. All I have is what is in front of me right now. And these are the things I can appreciate. Family that is there for me, friends that have my back, a job that I love going to every day and a little place to call my own. I have my hobbies and passions and all the little things that generally make me a happier and more comfortable person than I have ever been in my life. All of this tells me that I am ready for the changes that are coming and are already happening. The biggest change being that someone I have cared about greatly, and still do, is a part of my life again. Life has shown us both a course that has brought us up and down and now to a different place in our make up and understanding. We have both learned some lessons, some pain and some joy. Both of us now a little more mature and knowing of what truly is important in life.

The part of this that pulls on me is how to bring my family and friends into the fold and maybe shed some understanding on the situation. In the end I can’t worry too much on what others think of me. Such thoughts in the past have been poison to me. I know that the only person who really knows how I feel or what i can handle is myself. I know how I have changed and how far I have come and I will not sacrifice that. My life is on an upward path and that trend will continue. Bumps will still show up in the road but I now know how to cope with them and how to make sure that they are just bumps and not cracks that lead to a landslide. Life is always going to happen and some things, most things we have very little control over. I don’t know what the future holds but I know I can’t sabotage it by not taking some risks that may be worth it. Right now I have a great friend in my life to add to everything else I already have.

All any of us can do is live in the moment.

Dan

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If I take an outside glance at who I am and where I am at in life i would think a few things. I am not perfect that is for certain, but at least every day I am getting more and more comfortable with who I am and where I have come from.  I have been given pretty much every reason just to throw my hands up in the air and say I give up. This is not to say that there were not times when I was on the edge of that cliff ready to give in. Each day that is further from my memory. Further from who I am now. Yes there are things I still want to change. Some deal with my physical image, and trust me I know, that needs some work. When it comes to lifestyle and the demons that have visited me in the past I seem to have some control over the wicked. Tomorrow will mark 18 months of sobreity, 18 months without a drink. A year and a half of sticking to something so important to me that I could not live with myself if I slipped. I know that this is a lot of pressure to put on ones self but it seems to work for me.  I think on top of how I would feel about myself it is the fact that I could never look my family and friends in the eyes again if I went back to the bottle. I can’t do that to them. They have been there for me and I need to repay them by sticking with it.

No matter what happens with other things in my life at the minimum I can chalk this one up as an accomplishment. With each anniversary I am reminded of this, reminded I did something right. Each anniversary I look back and am amazed to see how far I have come in such a short time. I think there is a greater change in my life though. I feel like for the most part I can say that I am relatively happy now. There are always times when something can get me down, but they do not last as long as they used to. They do not fuel the anxiety in me that I used to feel. I try to just let things go because to be honest there is so much in this life that does not really matter.

I think one of the biggest things I can look at as a possitive influence, besides my family, is the fact that I have a job I actually look forward to going to every day. No matter what I have not had that for too many years now. I am luckier than I deserve when it comes to this. We all seem to laugh and have a good time for the most part. It helps that I am a gigantic smart ass and play up the roll a bit. I like it though when I can make someone laugh or make there day a little better and I think some times I accomplish that. This also helps with the whole staying off the sauce thing because when I get off of work I don’t feel wound up. I don’t feel like I have to blow off steam or quiet my mind, more than the normal. I don’t have that itchy feeling in my skin like I have to escape.

Here is hoping that the next 18 months sees the same trend in my life. Here is hoping that I continue to get better at being me. I have my sobriety, my sanity, a good job, my family and friends.  I need to remember that every day.

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Nothing is much better then a day off after a long stretch at work. Especially if there is absolutely nothing that has to be done and I am free to relax and enjoy the day. Much of this glorious down time has been spent reading and finishing up a good book from an author I have never read before. I have spent hours searching online for other authors to try to get my teeth into. I want stories and ideas that tend to challenge my mind and spin a different reality then what I am currently living. To really break it

Terminal World - Alastair Reynolds

down I look for ways to escape and occupy my mind. So generally this is a task of either using amazon or Barnes and Noble to search through authors and books and like authors and books, reading reviews and excerpts hoping to find something that tugs at me. My most recent conquest was by a new author, new to me that is. Alastair Reynolds is a british author of sci-fi novels and tends to hang out in the space opera realm. He has a popular series out but I went for one of his stand alone novels Terminal World. It was a very pleasant surprise and I truly hope there is more to come of it’s characters and world. It revolves around a central figure named Quillon who lives and works on what is the last great city of earth known as Spearpoint. A giant spire that climbs high into the earth’s upper atmosphere into space. The world has seen tragedy and is now divided into zones where only certain technology will work. High upon the spire there are far evolved humans known now as angels for they have grown wings and can fly. Below where there is less technology normal humans dwell. One can only live comfortably in the zone they grow up in. The main character is an angel who has removed his wings and lives among humans as one of them, an outcast of the society above until one day he is targeted by his past and forced to flee. A great journey ensues.

 

I won’t go any further but to say this was a very good read and I enjoyed the way Reynolds created his unique characters. The world is something that is fascinating but never really fully known. He does not belittle the reader by thinking he needs to fill in every little blank and I enjoy that. I enjoy being able to let the world develop in my head using the guideline he gives us. I will most likely be checking out some more of his works and perhaps a series now that I know it is worth the investment of time. Even with this new discovery I am always on the look out for more authors and books to keep my attention. Any recommendations are always appreciated. I will never stop looking for the next thing to catch my imagination and draw me into another reality.

 

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So enough with the miniature book review, now a little update on life as I currently live it. Life has become a little thing of routines for me. This is not a bad thing in my mind but more a sign of normalcy. Life generally consists of work and then living a quiet life at home with occasional side bars with family and friends. This might be terribly boring for many but for me it is a sign of returning to more comfort with who I am. I find that it is easier for me to have fun with my life again. Laugh and try not to take things to seriously. Things are always there though, still in the back of my mind but they are not as prevalent as they once were. They do not control what I do or how I feel as they once did. I can only hope that this is something that will continue because to be honest I don’t want to return to living the fake life pretending like I am okay while I scream inside. that is far too tiring a way to go about your day.

For now I have my life, relative health, a job, a place to live, friends and family. There is not a whole lot more that one can really ask for unless they are greedy beyond their needs. Anyways, I don’t want to chance losing what I do have.

Till another day,

Dan

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