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Posts Tagged ‘future’

My life is ever evolving and changing. The future is a path that I only see a step or two at a time. I know the general direction in which I am headed but I don’t really know how I am going to get there or what the end result is going to be. At this point in my life I am okay with that because I know that I am in a good place and have a decent foundation to carry me in the right direction.

My life has changed so much in the past two years and even more so in the past two months. Those changes are continuing and this month there are going to be some pretty big ones. First off after almost two years at work they are moving me into a full time position. Money wise this is not going to be an earth shattering change as I make pretty decent money working 4 days a week. The big advantage will be the benefits, health insurance and vacation. If I could stay where I was when it comes to hours I would, but I cannot give up the chance at insurance. It is a step in the right direction and I know that this will be a great thing for me. I am already starting my schedule and at least that will help this month to go quickly. The speed at which this month passes is an important thing because of the second big change in my life.

On June 1st I will be moving to a much nicer place. It is a 3 bedroom deluxe apartment. The place is gorgeous, vaulted ceilings, two bathrooms, washer and drier in unit, dish washer, large kitchen with breakfast bar, office nook, and a whopping 1300 square feet. That alone is awesome but the fact that I will be moving in with the love of my life makes the moment even that much better. Christina and I have pretty much decided that going slowly just isn’t in the cards for us. We want to spend every free  moment we have together, and her living with friends and me in my tiny apartment with our different schedules just isn’t cutting it. Many will still think we are going too quickly, but we know how we feel and we know how life has changed us. We spent almost 5 years of our lives together and know where things went wrong. Love was never the issue.

I am very much excited for both of these changes and cannot wait to see how the future unfolds before me. Life is still surprising and amazing me, I feel I have to keep letting it do that for me, so much better than being stuck in a dull rut of the mundane. More steps in the right direction, life is ahead of me and the climb is getting easier every day.

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Hands holding tightly

Life’s second act renewed

The path lies ahead

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Take me for who I am, not the man I once was
Demons in the dark, long dead and past
Reminders mark the way, histories collapse
Pages long since turned, a future yet written
Life lived by each moment, here and now
Each day another chance, better than the last

Take me for who I am
Right here Right now
Take me for who I am
Here I stand tall
Take me for who I am
Hope is alive

Take me for Who I am, better for who I was
Shadows filled my heart, hid from the day
Life’s light reflects, shadows take their leave
No more regret torn, only a path forward
Never will I be, a perfect image of humanity
A chance though, to become every bit of me

Take me for who I am
Right here Right now
Take me for who I am
Here I stand tall
Take me for who I am
Hope is alive

Take Me
Take Me

by: Dan Bahr

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Feeling like doing some more writing. I don’t know it what form that will be. Maybe some poetry or short stories would be the right path for me to venture down. I know that whatever I work on my perspective is definitely changed over what it has been. Life is changing and that is always the one constant that we can be sure of. Sometimes, if we are lucky, those changes are positive. So I can see the future through a much brighter light right now. Everything is just a little bit better, sweeter, more colorful and more vivid. I leave you with some of my sappiness in all of its sappy glory. You can feel queasy if you like or you can share in the joy that I am feeling.

This is for the one I love, the one who was in my life for so long and then gone in a flash. Now our paths have brought us back together and we are both in different, better places than we have been in the past. So here goes. Short and sweet.

 

A future we can have

 

It is there upon my sleeve,

Open bare to the light of day.

My fears and doubts I will leave,

The risk worth any price to pay .

 

My heart there for you to take,

Trust your hands to safely hold.

Love I no longer forsake,

Once lost and out in the cold.

 

Your eyes hold a reflection,

Of the future we can mold.

A life that we can fashion,

Of the love that we both hold

 

 

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No matter how much we look towards greatness in the future and relive the mistakes of the past, the only thing that really matters is how we live our lives in the current moment. This is what really shapes us and it is the only thing that we can control. We can live with regret for the past but it will serve no purpose but to drag us down, and on the flip side if we put everything in the hopes of a great or better future we may be nothing but disappointed with the unreal expectations we put on ourselves. I am living for now, living to make this one day in front of me a little better then the last. If I do not, then I can start all over again tomorrow with a fresh perspective and clean slate.

Many will wonder where this is coming from and to be honest there is a great factor in my life that has me looking at what is different about me as a person right now. All I have is what is in front of me right now. And these are the things I can appreciate. Family that is there for me, friends that have my back, a job that I love going to every day and a little place to call my own. I have my hobbies and passions and all the little things that generally make me a happier and more comfortable person than I have ever been in my life. All of this tells me that I am ready for the changes that are coming and are already happening. The biggest change being that someone I have cared about greatly, and still do, is a part of my life again. Life has shown us both a course that has brought us up and down and now to a different place in our make up and understanding. We have both learned some lessons, some pain and some joy. Both of us now a little more mature and knowing of what truly is important in life.

The part of this that pulls on me is how to bring my family and friends into the fold and maybe shed some understanding on the situation. In the end I can’t worry too much on what others think of me. Such thoughts in the past have been poison to me. I know that the only person who really knows how I feel or what i can handle is myself. I know how I have changed and how far I have come and I will not sacrifice that. My life is on an upward path and that trend will continue. Bumps will still show up in the road but I now know how to cope with them and how to make sure that they are just bumps and not cracks that lead to a landslide. Life is always going to happen and some things, most things we have very little control over. I don’t know what the future holds but I know I can’t sabotage it by not taking some risks that may be worth it. Right now I have a great friend in my life to add to everything else I already have.

All any of us can do is live in the moment.

Dan

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Nothing is much better then a day off after a long stretch at work. Especially if there is absolutely nothing that has to be done and I am free to relax and enjoy the day. Much of this glorious down time has been spent reading and finishing up a good book from an author I have never read before. I have spent hours searching online for other authors to try to get my teeth into. I want stories and ideas that tend to challenge my mind and spin a different reality then what I am currently living. To really break it

Terminal World - Alastair Reynolds

down I look for ways to escape and occupy my mind. So generally this is a task of either using amazon or Barnes and Noble to search through authors and books and like authors and books, reading reviews and excerpts hoping to find something that tugs at me. My most recent conquest was by a new author, new to me that is. Alastair Reynolds is a british author of sci-fi novels and tends to hang out in the space opera realm. He has a popular series out but I went for one of his stand alone novels Terminal World. It was a very pleasant surprise and I truly hope there is more to come of it’s characters and world. It revolves around a central figure named Quillon who lives and works on what is the last great city of earth known as Spearpoint. A giant spire that climbs high into the earth’s upper atmosphere into space. The world has seen tragedy and is now divided into zones where only certain technology will work. High upon the spire there are far evolved humans known now as angels for they have grown wings and can fly. Below where there is less technology normal humans dwell. One can only live comfortably in the zone they grow up in. The main character is an angel who has removed his wings and lives among humans as one of them, an outcast of the society above until one day he is targeted by his past and forced to flee. A great journey ensues.

 

I won’t go any further but to say this was a very good read and I enjoyed the way Reynolds created his unique characters. The world is something that is fascinating but never really fully known. He does not belittle the reader by thinking he needs to fill in every little blank and I enjoy that. I enjoy being able to let the world develop in my head using the guideline he gives us. I will most likely be checking out some more of his works and perhaps a series now that I know it is worth the investment of time. Even with this new discovery I am always on the look out for more authors and books to keep my attention. Any recommendations are always appreciated. I will never stop looking for the next thing to catch my imagination and draw me into another reality.

 

*******

So enough with the miniature book review, now a little update on life as I currently live it. Life has become a little thing of routines for me. This is not a bad thing in my mind but more a sign of normalcy. Life generally consists of work and then living a quiet life at home with occasional side bars with family and friends. This might be terribly boring for many but for me it is a sign of returning to more comfort with who I am. I find that it is easier for me to have fun with my life again. Laugh and try not to take things to seriously. Things are always there though, still in the back of my mind but they are not as prevalent as they once were. They do not control what I do or how I feel as they once did. I can only hope that this is something that will continue because to be honest I don’t want to return to living the fake life pretending like I am okay while I scream inside. that is far too tiring a way to go about your day.

For now I have my life, relative health, a job, a place to live, friends and family. There is not a whole lot more that one can really ask for unless they are greedy beyond their needs. Anyways, I don’t want to chance losing what I do have.

Till another day,

Dan

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It was a holiday season that seemed to be more of what it should be. Different than what it has been in the recent past. Holidays have not been my friend but I think lately I am trying to make the conscious decision to not let the past ruin what could be the good moments of my present. It comes down to a choice I have when I do everything in my life. The easy choice is to be a scrooge and piss and moan and dwell on what is lost and how I have the right to be an emo little bitch. Don’t ask me where that came from I am just flowing with it. That is the easy way but also the way that ends up breaking me down more and more. The right choice is to try to live in the moment, which I think I am doing more and more.

My grandma said something to me christmas morning as we sat at her kitchen table alone drinking coffee. “You have had a good year” There was not much else except that said, but even though i might not be exactly where I want to be in life she is right. I have had a good year considering what could have hung over my head. The year did not start out the best I am sure, mainly because of the copious amounts of prescription meds I was on… all prescribed and prescribed dosages. I was a walking zombie. Most of that time seems like a distant movie to me, memories are all fuzzy and surely there are multiple reasons for that. Even with this the year got better and better for me. Work seems to be a place I actually enjoy going to. The people are great to me and many of them I would consider good friends now. I have transitioned to my own place and have become accustomed to living on my own after years spent a part of another family and then my retreat back home and then staying with a friend.

I seem to be finding my own path again after so many detours and dead ends and many construction zones. It is not a grand life by far but it is my own and I have some control over it. There are many things that I still would like to change and work on, they will come in time though. Every day is another step, hopefully if I am lucky it is in the right direction. It is okay though if every now and then i have a step back, that is the nature of life and it does not make me a failure. A failure is sitting and letting that miss step ruin your momentum and mood. I can’t let that happen anymore.

Anyways, it was a good holiday. Christmas may not have the same meaning for me as it does for others. I won’t get into the religious talk or debate because to be honest I could care less at the moment. For me it is about reconnecting with the ones you love. Family friends and all of those in your life. It is about living your days with a little lighter step and an easier smile on your face. Remembering the good things in life and learning from what has gone wrong. Living the day knowing that life can be shortened far too easily and it would be a shame to those who are lost if you wasted the days that you still have on this earth. One never knows what is around the next corner, good or bad.

Merry Christmas to everyone who actually reads this.

Dan

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