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Posts Tagged ‘past’

Take me for who I am, not the man I once was
Demons in the dark, long dead and past
Reminders mark the way, histories collapse
Pages long since turned, a future yet written
Life lived by each moment, here and now
Each day another chance, better than the last

Take me for who I am
Right here Right now
Take me for who I am
Here I stand tall
Take me for who I am
Hope is alive

Take me for Who I am, better for who I was
Shadows filled my heart, hid from the day
Life’s light reflects, shadows take their leave
No more regret torn, only a path forward
Never will I be, a perfect image of humanity
A chance though, to become every bit of me

Take me for who I am
Right here Right now
Take me for who I am
Here I stand tall
Take me for who I am
Hope is alive

Take Me
Take Me

by: Dan Bahr

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Time to take an aside from writing some prose and poetry and shed a little light on what has been going on in my life. Also I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read and also those who commented on my creative entries that I posted over the last couple of days. I appreciate your taking the time to read. I do get a lot of joy from creating something from scratch that comes from deep with in my mind. Anything I write has that much more truth when it is grounded in the reality of my life or feelings and that is true of what I have written recently. I also remember every time I return to my creativity just how much it relaxes me and allows me to feel like I accomplished something when I finish whatever project I am working on.

When it comes to my life and what has been going on with me I am still floating a little bit in the haze of my own wonderment. It still amazes me at how much my life has changed in such a short time. On the longer scale of things I have conquered and climbed a few mountains. On the shorter scale of time I have someone back in my life who I have always felt strongly about and now, this time around those feelings seem to be even stronger. To lose a soulmate and then have them return back into your life after so long is something that I am sure few will ever feel. Some of my friends and family are still hesitant but I know that we are both in much better places in our lives and have a firm foundation to create something so much better than we even experienced in the past.

Some times I still don’t believe that she is in my life. Sometimes I know that I am walking a little too softly afraid to step on any eggshells that might crack. I guess that caution is from knowing that there was a time when I essentially screwed up and took for granted the great thing that was in my life. That is beginning to fade now. I feel that I am more able to just be myself with out worry of stepping in the wrong places. I know more and more that she is with me now because the bond we have was strong enough to survive two years and be rekindled with just a little breath of wind. I feel like I can more and more be just myself. Not to say I was not that before, but I was also very cautious.

I am glad to see the support I am getting from my Dad and Brother. My brother is my best friend and my Dad has always been there for me, no matter what. A week or so ago My brother and his wife, Christina and I and some friends went out bowling and then we all ate dinner at my Brother’s house. We all had a good time and many laughs and things seemed to go very well. I know that Christina is very worried about being reintroduced to my family, and our close family friends. things did go a little messy when we split up, and things were said that should not have been. I worry about this too, as I just want most to be as open as they can and just see what we have right now. The present is the most important thing to live in. I know the time will come when all are comfortable with each other and I also know that the schedule for this will be set by her. All things will come in due time.

When it comes to things in other realms in my life all seems to be going well. I am trying to renew my attempts to become a little healthier. I can see that I have lost weight over the past year. I think the biggest thing is not drinking and not eating as much garbage, or bingeing when I do. More than anything I think that my body is just balancing out now. Even with this I realize I have to get out there and stay active. I have taken to walking every day. For at least 45 min to and hour. I think this is a good start and hopefully I will expand my efforts in the future. Maybe even look at a gym membership or the like. It would be nice to get back into lifting weights.

Work is going as well as ever. My numbers always seem to end the month well over what is expected. I can see after looking beyond the past year and what I am doing right now and every month seems to get better over the same month the previous year. I love my job more and more and count myself lucky to be doing something that I enjoy. July 1st will be my 2 year anniversary there and I can only hope for many more.

Think I have gone on for long enough, but it feels good to put down a good post on life again. Maybe tomorrow I will find the ambition to do some more writing.

Dan 🙂

 

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Feeling like doing some more writing. I don’t know it what form that will be. Maybe some poetry or short stories would be the right path for me to venture down. I know that whatever I work on my perspective is definitely changed over what it has been. Life is changing and that is always the one constant that we can be sure of. Sometimes, if we are lucky, those changes are positive. So I can see the future through a much brighter light right now. Everything is just a little bit better, sweeter, more colorful and more vivid. I leave you with some of my sappiness in all of its sappy glory. You can feel queasy if you like or you can share in the joy that I am feeling.

This is for the one I love, the one who was in my life for so long and then gone in a flash. Now our paths have brought us back together and we are both in different, better places than we have been in the past. So here goes. Short and sweet.

 

A future we can have

 

It is there upon my sleeve,

Open bare to the light of day.

My fears and doubts I will leave,

The risk worth any price to pay .

 

My heart there for you to take,

Trust your hands to safely hold.

Love I no longer forsake,

Once lost and out in the cold.

 

Your eyes hold a reflection,

Of the future we can mold.

A life that we can fashion,

Of the love that we both hold

 

 

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No matter how much we look towards greatness in the future and relive the mistakes of the past, the only thing that really matters is how we live our lives in the current moment. This is what really shapes us and it is the only thing that we can control. We can live with regret for the past but it will serve no purpose but to drag us down, and on the flip side if we put everything in the hopes of a great or better future we may be nothing but disappointed with the unreal expectations we put on ourselves. I am living for now, living to make this one day in front of me a little better then the last. If I do not, then I can start all over again tomorrow with a fresh perspective and clean slate.

Many will wonder where this is coming from and to be honest there is a great factor in my life that has me looking at what is different about me as a person right now. All I have is what is in front of me right now. And these are the things I can appreciate. Family that is there for me, friends that have my back, a job that I love going to every day and a little place to call my own. I have my hobbies and passions and all the little things that generally make me a happier and more comfortable person than I have ever been in my life. All of this tells me that I am ready for the changes that are coming and are already happening. The biggest change being that someone I have cared about greatly, and still do, is a part of my life again. Life has shown us both a course that has brought us up and down and now to a different place in our make up and understanding. We have both learned some lessons, some pain and some joy. Both of us now a little more mature and knowing of what truly is important in life.

The part of this that pulls on me is how to bring my family and friends into the fold and maybe shed some understanding on the situation. In the end I can’t worry too much on what others think of me. Such thoughts in the past have been poison to me. I know that the only person who really knows how I feel or what i can handle is myself. I know how I have changed and how far I have come and I will not sacrifice that. My life is on an upward path and that trend will continue. Bumps will still show up in the road but I now know how to cope with them and how to make sure that they are just bumps and not cracks that lead to a landslide. Life is always going to happen and some things, most things we have very little control over. I don’t know what the future holds but I know I can’t sabotage it by not taking some risks that may be worth it. Right now I have a great friend in my life to add to everything else I already have.

All any of us can do is live in the moment.

Dan

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It was a holiday season that seemed to be more of what it should be. Different than what it has been in the recent past. Holidays have not been my friend but I think lately I am trying to make the conscious decision to not let the past ruin what could be the good moments of my present. It comes down to a choice I have when I do everything in my life. The easy choice is to be a scrooge and piss and moan and dwell on what is lost and how I have the right to be an emo little bitch. Don’t ask me where that came from I am just flowing with it. That is the easy way but also the way that ends up breaking me down more and more. The right choice is to try to live in the moment, which I think I am doing more and more.

My grandma said something to me christmas morning as we sat at her kitchen table alone drinking coffee. “You have had a good year” There was not much else except that said, but even though i might not be exactly where I want to be in life she is right. I have had a good year considering what could have hung over my head. The year did not start out the best I am sure, mainly because of the copious amounts of prescription meds I was on… all prescribed and prescribed dosages. I was a walking zombie. Most of that time seems like a distant movie to me, memories are all fuzzy and surely there are multiple reasons for that. Even with this the year got better and better for me. Work seems to be a place I actually enjoy going to. The people are great to me and many of them I would consider good friends now. I have transitioned to my own place and have become accustomed to living on my own after years spent a part of another family and then my retreat back home and then staying with a friend.

I seem to be finding my own path again after so many detours and dead ends and many construction zones. It is not a grand life by far but it is my own and I have some control over it. There are many things that I still would like to change and work on, they will come in time though. Every day is another step, hopefully if I am lucky it is in the right direction. It is okay though if every now and then i have a step back, that is the nature of life and it does not make me a failure. A failure is sitting and letting that miss step ruin your momentum and mood. I can’t let that happen anymore.

Anyways, it was a good holiday. Christmas may not have the same meaning for me as it does for others. I won’t get into the religious talk or debate because to be honest I could care less at the moment. For me it is about reconnecting with the ones you love. Family friends and all of those in your life. It is about living your days with a little lighter step and an easier smile on your face. Remembering the good things in life and learning from what has gone wrong. Living the day knowing that life can be shortened far too easily and it would be a shame to those who are lost if you wasted the days that you still have on this earth. One never knows what is around the next corner, good or bad.

Merry Christmas to everyone who actually reads this.

Dan

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I was in an odd mood yesterday, I could only classify it as being manic. Extra talkative, joking around and being more up than anything else. Swinging a bit is part of my life but the pendulum tends to be stuck in the lower portions of that swing more often than not. For the most part I would consider my mood a good thing, if not for the fact that it was a nice sidebar from what my life usually is. Dwelling on negative things tends to consume me so it was nice just to have some energy and be a little excitable. At the end of the work day I did have some conversations with my coworkers that went more into the darker places of my life. Dealing with my past and relationships and trying to move on in my life. I always worry in hindsight that I am sharing too much. I worry that I am coming off a but batty and most likely I am, hopefully in an endearing way. It can be endearing right? I am going to think that it can. One of my coworkers has gone through something similar as me in recent history so it is nice to talk to her because at least I know she understands. I probably rely too heavily on my work friendships to talk about such things, but they really are the only people I talk to on a regular basis. I am around them more than anybody else. It may be convenience but also in a way i trust them because I know them.

On a side note my novel is coming along. I should make the nanowrimo goal by this weekend, though the novel will nowhere near be finished I will have succeeded at the monthly contest. I had to break down yesterday and plan out a few chapters after the first 38,000 words were written from the hip with no real story line. I felt the need to do so, so that I could start reigning in some of the characters stories so that they could begin to come back together for the climax of the story. I am happy with my progress but must admit that writing in a more real life setting instead of sci fi or fantasy has been more difficult for me than I expected. It has been a challenge but that is a good thing.

Well I work today then have three days off to so some marathon writing. Hope all are having a good day.

Dan

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My mind is a machine that is never at rest. It rarely stops moving or flashing from thought to thought, memory to memory. For the most part this is not a good thing. There are times though when this can be used to my advantage if I am able to focus those thoughts in a certain direction. Nanowrimo has given me that oppurtunity and it really is amazing how quickly things can change.

I know this is only day number 5 but I have already noticed a few things. Once I started to think of a story to write it seemed that all of my free time is spent thinking of where I am headed and working out different possibilities. Usually I am filled with depressing thoughts and so many “what ifs” and “Could have done betters” that I want to scream and pull my hear out. It is the nature of my mind. Having something positive to focus on is a wonderful relief. The empty moments are filled with somthing constructive now. When I think of these things I just feel better that I am trying to accomplish something and not just dwelling on things that I can no longer change. These thoughts are centered more on a future that I am still building and creating, even if it is only in a fictional world.

Granted, I realize that I don’t even know if what I am writing is any good, to be honest I don’t really care. I just want to keep working on it, and I desperately hope that I can maintain this even after nanowrimo is done. Nano may have been the catalyst that started me on writing again, I need to take the initiative though to keep fueling the fire that is my creativity. So many times I let an obsession and new task take me, only to let it sit on the back burner a few weeks down the road. I cannot do that any longer. I have to stick with something and see it through. This task brings me peace and it keeps one of the last dreams I have alive. the dream of one day finishing a novel.

Here’s hoping I can see it through.

Dan

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