Posts Tagged ‘Social’

Solitude is a two fold thing for me. I find that I enjoy the quiet and time to myself. I like the peace and quiet and the ability to do what I want when I want. I don’t always feel the need to be out there doing something. There is a point though where one as myself begins to worry that I am getting to used to it and withdrawing a bit too much from the rest of society. My life essentially consists of going to work and coming home. That is it, pretty boring person I know.

I brought this up to my boss at work in conversation and he mentioned that he is the same way he laughed when I said I was worried I would become a hermit. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not the crazy shut in who mumbles to himself and has newspapers piled everywhere. I am just comfortable in my own little corner of the world and I do not easily want to break out of the well worn rut that is my life. I feel the need lately to break out of that pattern. I want to go out and do things and be more active. Have a social life as you would say.

Their are two problems with this. One is that I have very few friends. One of them has been a good friend for years and went to school with me. Another lives more then three hours away in another state. The third is my brother Josh who I would consider my best friend. all of these people would be here for me in an instant, but these are all I really have. I have other friends but they remind me of things that are lost in my life as they came from when I was married. It is hard to do anything with them for the memories they would drag up.

The second issue is that in small town wisconsin, having a social life too often means hanging out in bars or being around those drinking in any other place. I no longer drink but I understand that there are times when I have to be less sensitive to such things and not let it get to me. I know that I can be around others who drink as my previous roommate and one of the friends listed above would have beer in the house and drink on occassion and I was never tempted to do the same. I also know that there were times when I highly resented him and became very moody because of the fact that he could drink and I could not.

So you can see this is not the easiest thing in the world. They may be excuses, but if so I am saying them hoping to overcome them. I told somebody at work that I would not mind hanging out some weekend and would not really care if it is at a bar. I guess I just want to be a part of something. I just want to have interactions that draw my mind away from the self destructive thought processes that seap in when I am alone. I know that most of the time my mind is at its clearest when I am at work and chatting with my coworkers, more often than anything bs’ing as I like to say. When I laugh and joke around I forget the demons of my past and my true self seems to shine through the most. I want more of that. I want to be that person more often and I know that I cannot be that way sitting at home all alone living inside my head.




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