Changes, a new position, in work and living

My life is ever evolving and changing. The future is a path that I only see a step or two at a time. I know the general direction in which I am headed but I don’t really know how I am going to get there or what the end result is going to be. At this point in my life I am okay with that because I know that I am in a good place and have a decent foundation to carry me in the right direction.

My life has changed so much in the past two years and even more so in the past two months. Those changes are continuing and this month there are going to be some pretty big ones. First off after almost two years at work they are moving me into a full time position. Money wise this is not going to be an earth shattering change as I make pretty decent money working 4 days a week. The big advantage will be the benefits, health insurance and vacation. If I could stay where I was when it comes to hours I would, but I cannot give up the chance at insurance. It is a step in the right direction and I know that this will be a great thing for me. I am already starting my schedule and at least that will help this month to go quickly. The speed at which this month passes is an important thing because of the second big change in my life.

On June 1st I will be moving to a much nicer place. It is a 3 bedroom deluxe apartment. The place is gorgeous, vaulted ceilings, two bathrooms, washer and drier in unit, dish washer, large kitchen with breakfast bar, office nook, and a whopping 1300 square feet. That alone is awesome but the fact that I will be moving in with the love of my life makes the moment even that much better. Christina and I have pretty much decided that going slowly just isn’t in the cards for us. We want to spend every free  moment we have together, and her living with friends and me in my tiny apartment with our different schedules just isn’t cutting it. Many will still think we are going too quickly, but we know how we feel and we know how life has changed us. We spent almost 5 years of our lives together and know where things went wrong. Love was never the issue.

I am very much excited for both of these changes and cannot wait to see how the future unfolds before me. Life is still surprising and amazing me, I feel I have to keep letting it do that for me, so much better than being stuck in a dull rut of the mundane. More steps in the right direction, life is ahead of me and the climb is getting easier every day.

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Catching up with old friends

I have very few close friends in my life. They can be counted on one hand with a few free fingers to spare. My life has always been this way, I don’t know why it is this way but it is and as the years tick away it seems like it is going to stay that way. Some of the friendships I had became more difficult following my divorce as the friends I had made came with the package. We have not hung out or done anything in a long time, mainly since the split. Much of this is because of the feelings that are brought up when I see them. I know this is silly but my mind only needs a small catalyst to drag me into a dark place.

Tonight though we got together and were able to spend a nice evening together. George and I chatted and hung out for a bit then we all had dinner together which was nice and more then a little humorous. I miss moments like this. Camaraderie. Just being with others and letting go and having fun. I have not laughed so much in a long time or made others laugh as much either. We had a great dinner and then George and I brainstormed and talked about our NaNoWriMo stories. It was nice just to discuss things and talk about where I thought my story was headed. We are two very different styled writers. George is the plotter and storyliner. I usually just get an idea and set a stage and plow ahead from there without looking back. It is fun to compare. We both also were able to get some writing done which was a plus. It was a great night overall.

There are a few things that I realized tonight. I have few friends and I need to stay in contact with the ones I do have. Secondly I can’t let the past always get in the way of living my life and enjoying the things I do have right now. There are always going to be rough memories and that is something I cannot escape, but I do have some people to talk to and many of them know where I am coming from. This couple is among those people.

We agreed to get together a few more times during this month to work on nanowrimo and just hang out.  I am looking forward to it.

By the way, Nano update I surpassed the halfway mark of the goal of 50,000 words. This is a pretty good feat considering it is only day number 4. The story is coming along nicely as well.

Good Night

Dan

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There is no road map for where we are headed

I had the chance to have breakfast with my family this morning before I had to go in to work. My family has been through a lot and we are definitely still very much a work in progress. I know that I am not perfect when it comes to my life and the decisions I have made. I understand that no one is. A couple of weeks ago things came to a head with my dad and my brother and I. My dad let us know his feelings on where he though my brother and I stood with him. He was hurting because there really has been very little time for all of us to get together and be a family. In some ways he thought we hated him.

When I took in what he was saying all I could feel was pain that he would feel that way about us or think that that could possibly be the truth. He was right on much of what he was saying. Not the idea that we could hate him, which is further from the truth than anything. More so in the idea that we have not been making the time as we might have in the past to hang out. I cannot speak for my brother but I know when it comes to myself it is a very tricky issue. I tend to be the type to withdraw and hide from things that bring up memories in my life that are painful. Part of this comes from the fact that when my marriage was falling apart my dad was finding the love of his life.  Naturally this is now attached to a memory in my mind of what I have lost. Other’s happiness should buoy me and lift my spirits. It tends to just bring me down into a place of darkness. Being that I know what kind of emotions this brings up I don’t make the effort I should to include myself in my dad’s life.

One of the second issues that is always there is the fact that less than two years ago I lost my mother, we all lost her. and months before that my parents relationship finally broke its last seam and split down the middle. These two events are things that one does not just forget and move on quickly from. Especially being as how my mother and I had a close relationship and were friends till the day she left this world. Everyone moves on from such tragic events in different ways and at different times. The fact that I had the extra weight of my own marriage torn away from me has lead to a longer period of healing for me. I mean my divorce will have its one year anniversary this december. These events though oddly feel so much further in the past. Maybe because it is so much to feel, so much to go through every day.

When we lost mom we had known her our whole lives. Now there is someone else with my dad. She is a good woman. I really don’t know an awful lot about her. We really have not had much time to do things together and that is on all of us. We have only known her for about a year and a few months. I know it is still going to take time. That is the only thing that will make things easier. We also need to make sure that we all talk to each other and don’t let things get bottled up. I had a chance to talk to my dad after things were brought to the surface and I am pretty sure he knows how I really feel. I don’t really know how else to act. I have not been through anything like this at any other time in my life. Their are no neat little directions and maps to guide us. We can look for help and advice but it always comes down to how we all handle ourselves and if we all put the effort in.

I know that I have to try harder. Whether it is small things like stopping by to say hello or just getting together like we did this morning for breakfast. I do enjoy these moments. I like getting together and laughing because everyone knows I do not do enough of that lately. Laugh that is. It will get better. I know that it has to. My dad means the world to me. He has never judged me. He has always been there for me when I have been hurting the most. He has saved me on more than one occassion from damaging myself permanently. I need to show him a little more of the same.

Dan

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