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Posts Tagged ‘Love’

Thanksgiving time. The day of thanks and stuffing oneself until discomfort is reached. To be honest it is one of my favorite holidays and this year it was just as good or better than it has been for recent history. I got to share this day with my beautiful wife, I think of her as such even if technicalities do not have it as so, and my step son Gabe. We started some of our own traditions. A lazy start to the day with donuts and a movie that we all watched together. While everyone else was off getting ready to head to my family’s for dinner I found the time to get some writing done while having football on in the background. I am proud to say I met the goal for NaNoWriMo this year. Surpassed the goal of 50k in the month more than a week early. My story is no where complete though and I have to maintain my focus to get my novel finished. I have set the goal to myself to finish the story by the end of the year. Then the much tougher work will follow, reading it and rewriting it as I am sure it will need a great deal of polish.

With my goal met for the day I set my writing aside as we traveled to my home town to be with my family at my Grandparents house. My Grandmother always makes the biggest of meals. Turkey and all of the fixings. My dad, aunt and uncle, brother and his wife and my dad’s new family were all there. We had some good laughs, ate some great food, watched some football and overall had a great holiday.

Now we have retired home. Boxes of Christmas supplies pulled from the garage in preparation for the apartment to be decked out. I will miss this though as I get to enjoy the other side of the Black Friday blitz. I work in sales and this will be a huge weekend for us but it also means that I will make a good bit of money. A good motivator to get through the madness. Now though we relax with another movie and wind down from the lovely day.

I have a great deal to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family, a beautiful wife by my side, a great step son and a good job where I work with people I consider to be friends. I know that money is not good and there are stresses in life but they are not things that need to hold us back  We need to focus on the good things we have because that is all that is important.

I hope everyone else had a great thanksgiving or made the most of what they had.

Take Care

Dan 🙂

 

P.S.

The only down point to the day was thinking of my mother who I lost a few years ago. My wife also has a blog and I read her post that was very heartfelt and touching. She puts her heart and thoughts out there in such a way that definitely brings emotions to the surface. She mentioned my mom, who was lost to us far to early due to an accidental overdose. The holidays are times when I tend to think of her the most. I miss her but I was glad that I was able to make the most of things with the family I do have.

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My life is ever evolving and changing. The future is a path that I only see a step or two at a time. I know the general direction in which I am headed but I don’t really know how I am going to get there or what the end result is going to be. At this point in my life I am okay with that because I know that I am in a good place and have a decent foundation to carry me in the right direction.

My life has changed so much in the past two years and even more so in the past two months. Those changes are continuing and this month there are going to be some pretty big ones. First off after almost two years at work they are moving me into a full time position. Money wise this is not going to be an earth shattering change as I make pretty decent money working 4 days a week. The big advantage will be the benefits, health insurance and vacation. If I could stay where I was when it comes to hours I would, but I cannot give up the chance at insurance. It is a step in the right direction and I know that this will be a great thing for me. I am already starting my schedule and at least that will help this month to go quickly. The speed at which this month passes is an important thing because of the second big change in my life.

On June 1st I will be moving to a much nicer place. It is a 3 bedroom deluxe apartment. The place is gorgeous, vaulted ceilings, two bathrooms, washer and drier in unit, dish washer, large kitchen with breakfast bar, office nook, and a whopping 1300 square feet. That alone is awesome but the fact that I will be moving in with the love of my life makes the moment even that much better. Christina and I have pretty much decided that going slowly just isn’t in the cards for us. We want to spend every free  moment we have together, and her living with friends and me in my tiny apartment with our different schedules just isn’t cutting it. Many will still think we are going too quickly, but we know how we feel and we know how life has changed us. We spent almost 5 years of our lives together and know where things went wrong. Love was never the issue.

I am very much excited for both of these changes and cannot wait to see how the future unfolds before me. Life is still surprising and amazing me, I feel I have to keep letting it do that for me, so much better than being stuck in a dull rut of the mundane. More steps in the right direction, life is ahead of me and the climb is getting easier every day.

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Hands holding tightly

Life’s second act renewed

The path lies ahead

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Time to take an aside from writing some prose and poetry and shed a little light on what has been going on in my life. Also I would like to thank everyone who took the time to read and also those who commented on my creative entries that I posted over the last couple of days. I appreciate your taking the time to read. I do get a lot of joy from creating something from scratch that comes from deep with in my mind. Anything I write has that much more truth when it is grounded in the reality of my life or feelings and that is true of what I have written recently. I also remember every time I return to my creativity just how much it relaxes me and allows me to feel like I accomplished something when I finish whatever project I am working on.

When it comes to my life and what has been going on with me I am still floating a little bit in the haze of my own wonderment. It still amazes me at how much my life has changed in such a short time. On the longer scale of things I have conquered and climbed a few mountains. On the shorter scale of time I have someone back in my life who I have always felt strongly about and now, this time around those feelings seem to be even stronger. To lose a soulmate and then have them return back into your life after so long is something that I am sure few will ever feel. Some of my friends and family are still hesitant but I know that we are both in much better places in our lives and have a firm foundation to create something so much better than we even experienced in the past.

Some times I still don’t believe that she is in my life. Sometimes I know that I am walking a little too softly afraid to step on any eggshells that might crack. I guess that caution is from knowing that there was a time when I essentially screwed up and took for granted the great thing that was in my life. That is beginning to fade now. I feel that I am more able to just be myself with out worry of stepping in the wrong places. I know more and more that she is with me now because the bond we have was strong enough to survive two years and be rekindled with just a little breath of wind. I feel like I can more and more be just myself. Not to say I was not that before, but I was also very cautious.

I am glad to see the support I am getting from my Dad and Brother. My brother is my best friend and my Dad has always been there for me, no matter what. A week or so ago My brother and his wife, Christina and I and some friends went out bowling and then we all ate dinner at my Brother’s house. We all had a good time and many laughs and things seemed to go very well. I know that Christina is very worried about being reintroduced to my family, and our close family friends. things did go a little messy when we split up, and things were said that should not have been. I worry about this too, as I just want most to be as open as they can and just see what we have right now. The present is the most important thing to live in. I know the time will come when all are comfortable with each other and I also know that the schedule for this will be set by her. All things will come in due time.

When it comes to things in other realms in my life all seems to be going well. I am trying to renew my attempts to become a little healthier. I can see that I have lost weight over the past year. I think the biggest thing is not drinking and not eating as much garbage, or bingeing when I do. More than anything I think that my body is just balancing out now. Even with this I realize I have to get out there and stay active. I have taken to walking every day. For at least 45 min to and hour. I think this is a good start and hopefully I will expand my efforts in the future. Maybe even look at a gym membership or the like. It would be nice to get back into lifting weights.

Work is going as well as ever. My numbers always seem to end the month well over what is expected. I can see after looking beyond the past year and what I am doing right now and every month seems to get better over the same month the previous year. I love my job more and more and count myself lucky to be doing something that I enjoy. July 1st will be my 2 year anniversary there and I can only hope for many more.

Think I have gone on for long enough, but it feels good to put down a good post on life again. Maybe tomorrow I will find the ambition to do some more writing.

Dan 🙂

 

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Feeling like doing some more writing. I don’t know it what form that will be. Maybe some poetry or short stories would be the right path for me to venture down. I know that whatever I work on my perspective is definitely changed over what it has been. Life is changing and that is always the one constant that we can be sure of. Sometimes, if we are lucky, those changes are positive. So I can see the future through a much brighter light right now. Everything is just a little bit better, sweeter, more colorful and more vivid. I leave you with some of my sappiness in all of its sappy glory. You can feel queasy if you like or you can share in the joy that I am feeling.

This is for the one I love, the one who was in my life for so long and then gone in a flash. Now our paths have brought us back together and we are both in different, better places than we have been in the past. So here goes. Short and sweet.

 

A future we can have

 

It is there upon my sleeve,

Open bare to the light of day.

My fears and doubts I will leave,

The risk worth any price to pay .

 

My heart there for you to take,

Trust your hands to safely hold.

Love I no longer forsake,

Once lost and out in the cold.

 

Your eyes hold a reflection,

Of the future we can mold.

A life that we can fashion,

Of the love that we both hold

 

 

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It seems to be a story that is told in cinema time and time again. An unexpected love blooms into a life all its own. Ups and downs fill that life until threads are pulled and things start to unravel due to personal demons, and not the fact that there is no more love there. The heart still feels even though things must come to an end and this causes even that much more pain. It can be seen in the eyes when goodbye is finally said for what feels the last time. The two individuals head down different paths. One path leads to the bottom of a life that has seen its decent last a little too long. He is given the chance though to make the decision to either start the climb back to the top or slowly die in the remnants of his life. The decision is made to look to the top.

The other looks to another life full of other possibilities. The two of them moving on in their lives working at the happiness that they see that they can have. Time comes and goes. Life moves along and stability builds in the man’s life, his worst demons finally safely locked in the cells where they belong. Happiness and a comfort in his life have settled in and after so many years finally feels as a grown man should. No longer feeling like some immature kid thrown into a life he was not ready for.

One day out of the blue a message he receives from the one who had his heart so firmly a few years past. Surprise is one of many emotions felt. A message sent at reconnecting a friendship that once meant so much. A debate wages inside his mind. Reminders of what went wrong and also the emotions and joy that was also felt being around her. In the end he comes to the understanding that his life is in a different place now. A different man and more a truer him than he has ever been in his life.

Messages back and forth lead to a meeting. Dinner and hanging out. talking, reconnecting, laughing and playing some games. It is a surreal feeling for him. Having her there, seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. How can two people who have seen life take them so far away after being so close be so comfortable? There would be more talks back and forth and other times hanging out, just relaxing and watching a movie or playing some games. Every time a feeling growing in him that his heart has never changed. The drum beat that was her inside his head only softened to a distant drown instead of the roar that it once was. That beat becoming a little louder again. He knows that she has been through a lot in life, her pacing at it maybe different, but still a journey that took a lot from her. All he wants is to be there for her. All he wants is to make her laugh and show her that life can be a thing to smile at again. He can feel that there is a bond there, but also a pain from a betrayal she has felt.

His head wants to yell at him to take it slow but his heart and soul want to jump in. A battle that wages in his mind. In the end his true self is one built on emotion and always has been. The heart can lead us to feel some of the greatest joys in life but this also leaves us open to pain if things do not go as planned. If life always went as planned we would never be so amazed at the surprises that it could spring on us. The good moments would never feel so good. The chance of pain makes the highs so much better. He makes his feelings known. He bares himself to her. Lets her know that whatever time it takes is worth it. He has waited almost two years without her in his life and now just enjoys every little moment that they can steal. Every bit of time that they have together. She is scared and rightfully so. He is not going anywhere though. A vow to be there for her, to show her that she can smile and enjoy the moment again.

Sometimes it takes two people going off and living their own lives. Feeling their own joys and pain. Experiencing the world on their own to show them just how much they mean to each other when the world brings them back together again. After what they have both been through they can see what is truly worth it in life. That even though something might not be easy, and may be full of complications it is worth it. Even if the world might think them odd or even a bit crazy. Even if they worry about what their family and friends might think only they know what they feel in their hearts. Only they can really understand where they are at in life and when life has shown you the ups and downs, when you are given a second chance with better circumstances, it is something you have to grasp.

Dan

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(again first draft, unedited)

Ryan stopped off at the bakery after work to get his girl the dipped cookies that she loved so much. Not like he had to get anything else for her. Katie was always telling him how much of a romantic he was so he thought he should always live up to that. The day started with a home cooked breakfast in bed with all of the extra touches, like a single rose on the breakfast tray. When it came to breakfast no one else could top him when it came to scrambled eggs.

Every day when he woke up was a blessing to have her by his side. The honeymoon never seemed to wear off the way it did in other marriages. He was still surprised at how when he had all but given up on finding that one person she came into his life like a storm quickly appearing on the horizon and with all of the power it could bring. His life was better for her and he always hoped she felt the same way. He would never let her forget how important she was to him and anniversaries let him shine.

Five years had come and gone in the blink of an eye. All he could do was smile and think of seeing her face light up when he came in the door with the pick bakery box. The two of them did not have a lot of money but they knew what was important. There were never any extravagant gifts but if they had each other they did not need them. They took joy in the little things that they had together. The little things were what made up life and they understood that.

Ryan stopped at the last light before their street. He always forgot how soon darkness fell this time of year. The leaves were already off of the tree and the moon was casting shadows on the houses through the barren branches. He loved this time of year for so many reasons. The light turned and a honk from behind him reminded him to go on his way. He waved in the mirror and drove on. He turned on the blinker and pulled on to the quiet street. Warm glows were coming from most of the windows. Families settled down for the night. Most dinners already served and dishes already cleared away. He could see the glow and flicker of tvs with their dancing images reflecting off the windows that showed out into the world. This was suburbia as anyone would define it. The charm of the small city where anyone could raise a family and grow old.

He pulled into the driveway of their small two bedroom home and turned out the lights. Something was off. The house was dark. Katie should have been home well over an hour already, done from her day at work and already relaxing. Ryan took the box from next to him and left the car. He walked to the front of the house and turned the handle on the door but it would not move. It was locked when it should not be. He fumbled with his keys in the dim light and found the house key to open the door. He turned the knob again and pushed the heavy wooden door open. Inside he was greeted by stillness and dark. Not a single light was on.

“Katie?” ryan called out into the darkness before switching on the living room light. “Katie are you home, Katie?” He crossed the carpeted room to the dining room and looked at the table. Everything that was on it seemed to be strewn about. It was not the image of neatness it usually was. Books and mail were strewn about its surface. He set the pastry box down and turned the light on in the kitchen as he entered. The kitchen left no signs of life. Anxiety began to build in him. It was not like Katie to not let him know what she was doing or if she would be late.

Ryan left the kitchen and headed for their bedroom. It was an image of someone leaving in a hurry. The dresser drawers were open. Clothes were strewn about laying on the bed and all over the floor. “Katie….” He called out in a much quieter voice. He crossed the room after a brief moment and switched on the bathroom vanity. The cupboards were open and all of her toiletries and make up were missing. He stood there staring at the scene trying to let it all sink in. None of this made any sense to him. Realizing he had his cell phone on him he pulled it out of his pocket and held down the number 2 to call his wife. It took a moment to start dialing and it felt like an eternity. The line rang twice before a prerecorded message began to play.

“I’m sorry, but the number you have dialed is no longer in service.” The message paused and then replayed again. He began to panic. Quickly he dialed the service number for his carrier and got through to a rep after entering the wrong selection too many times. He quickly verified he was Who he said he was impatient for the process.

“Mr Teague, how can I help you today?” The overly cheerful woman asked

“I need to know why my wife’s line is disconnected” He said impatiently. The girl sounded confused as she answered after looking up the account

“I am sorry Mr. Teague but Katie Teague disconnected that line this afternoon. She said it was no longer needed” Silence filled the line “Mr Teague, can I help you? Mr Teague?” At that moment he noticed Katie’s phone sitting on the bedside table. Off and lifeless. He sat on the bed, in his house, his empty house his mind numb.

A few hours would turn into a few days. That first night Ryan did not sleep, nor did he ever even attempt to close his eyes. He stayed in his dress work clothes and sat in the dining room holding the picture of the two of them that was uses as their engagement picture. Their faces smiling and beaming at each other. A moment that might not ever happen again. Hot tears began to stream down his face and he felt nothing but the searing pain of loss. Katie was his life.

The sun began to rise on the next day. A grayish dim light began to peak through the windows and the realization that this was really happening fueled the fire ember that burned in Ryan;s Chest. He dropped the picture and began a frantic task of calling all those he knew to see if they knew anything of Katie. Knew where she might be or anything at all. He called all of her friends that he could think of. The task made even more difficult by the fact that her phone was wiped clean. Not a single number left or call dialed. None of them were  any help but to assure that she would show up sometime, they were sure of that.

Katie had no real family. Or at least none that were close or of any contact. She came from a home that was broken and left her past neatly behind her. She did not talk much of it and he never pressured her to, now though it was a worry that he did not really know how to get ahold of any family she did have. She had an aunt who she grew up with but that was about all. Ryan could not get ahold of her and quickly grew frustrated. Sleep would not be anywhere near his mind so he decided a hot shower and some coffee was in order to awaken his senses.

Ryan got out of his work clothes and turned the water as hot as he could stand. It scalded his skin and turned it a rosy pink shade. He wanted the discomfort to waken him and get him to focus. He was trying to think up a plan but all he could come up with was why? That question would build inside his head. He tried to answer it but nothing would come. They had what he would consider the perfect life. Never had there ever been a bump in the road with them. They never went to bed angry and the few times they ever argued about anything it would quickly fade to be replaced by a hug or a smile. None of this made any sense.

He turned off the water and quickly toweled off. Determined to get any information. As soon as 9 am rolled around Ryan dialed up Katie’s office and quickly got her personal line. Absent minded he redialed again to get the receptionist. He asked for Katie’s boss or lead or anyone who would have any information. He got through to the head of development after staying on hold for too long.

“I was wondering if you heard anything from my wife Katie?” He asked

“What do you mean? Isn’t she on vacation with you?” He asked puzzled by the question. Ryan answered quickly. “Vacation? What vacation?”

“Katie put in for vacation two months ago. She had a lot of it built up and took off the next two weeks. You aren’t telling me you didn’t know? “ Ryan hung up. His wife had planned a vacation and he did not have a any idea of it. “Vacation?” he questioned to himself. The rest of the day would turn into a daze. He was lost with his thoughts. After being up for nearly 2 days he succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep on the couch in their living room. He slept fitfully into the early morning hours when his dreams finally caused him to stir and his horror could continue into reality.

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