18 months of sobriety

If I take an outside glance at who I am and where I am at in life i would think a few things. I am not perfect that is for certain, but at least every day I am getting more and more comfortable with who I am and where I have come from.  I have been given pretty much every reason just to throw my hands up in the air and say I give up. This is not to say that there were not times when I was on the edge of that cliff ready to give in. Each day that is further from my memory. Further from who I am now. Yes there are things I still want to change. Some deal with my physical image, and trust me I know, that needs some work. When it comes to lifestyle and the demons that have visited me in the past I seem to have some control over the wicked. Tomorrow will mark 18 months of sobreity, 18 months without a drink. A year and a half of sticking to something so important to me that I could not live with myself if I slipped. I know that this is a lot of pressure to put on ones self but it seems to work for me.  I think on top of how I would feel about myself it is the fact that I could never look my family and friends in the eyes again if I went back to the bottle. I can’t do that to them. They have been there for me and I need to repay them by sticking with it.

No matter what happens with other things in my life at the minimum I can chalk this one up as an accomplishment. With each anniversary I am reminded of this, reminded I did something right. Each anniversary I look back and am amazed to see how far I have come in such a short time. I think there is a greater change in my life though. I feel like for the most part I can say that I am relatively happy now. There are always times when something can get me down, but they do not last as long as they used to. They do not fuel the anxiety in me that I used to feel. I try to just let things go because to be honest there is so much in this life that does not really matter.

I think one of the biggest things I can look at as a possitive influence, besides my family, is the fact that I have a job I actually look forward to going to every day. No matter what I have not had that for too many years now. I am luckier than I deserve when it comes to this. We all seem to laugh and have a good time for the most part. It helps that I am a gigantic smart ass and play up the roll a bit. I like it though when I can make someone laugh or make there day a little better and I think some times I accomplish that. This also helps with the whole staying off the sauce thing because when I get off of work I don’t feel wound up. I don’t feel like I have to blow off steam or quiet my mind, more than the normal. I don’t have that itchy feeling in my skin like I have to escape.

Here is hoping that the next 18 months sees the same trend in my life. Here is hoping that I continue to get better at being me. I have my sobriety, my sanity, a good job, my family and friends.  I need to remember that every day.

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And the freeze is upon us

Nothing is much better then a day off after a long stretch at work. Especially if there is absolutely nothing that has to be done and I am free to relax and enjoy the day. Much of this glorious down time has been spent reading and finishing up a good book from an author I have never read before. I have spent hours searching online for other authors to try to get my teeth into. I want stories and ideas that tend to challenge my mind and spin a different reality then what I am currently living. To really break it

Terminal World - Alastair Reynolds

down I look for ways to escape and occupy my mind. So generally this is a task of either using amazon or Barnes and Noble to search through authors and books and like authors and books, reading reviews and excerpts hoping to find something that tugs at me. My most recent conquest was by a new author, new to me that is. Alastair Reynolds is a british author of sci-fi novels and tends to hang out in the space opera realm. He has a popular series out but I went for one of his stand alone novels Terminal World. It was a very pleasant surprise and I truly hope there is more to come of it’s characters and world. It revolves around a central figure named Quillon who lives and works on what is the last great city of earth known as Spearpoint. A giant spire that climbs high into the earth’s upper atmosphere into space. The world has seen tragedy and is now divided into zones where only certain technology will work. High upon the spire there are far evolved humans known now as angels for they have grown wings and can fly. Below where there is less technology normal humans dwell. One can only live comfortably in the zone they grow up in. The main character is an angel who has removed his wings and lives among humans as one of them, an outcast of the society above until one day he is targeted by his past and forced to flee. A great journey ensues.

 

I won’t go any further but to say this was a very good read and I enjoyed the way Reynolds created his unique characters. The world is something that is fascinating but never really fully known. He does not belittle the reader by thinking he needs to fill in every little blank and I enjoy that. I enjoy being able to let the world develop in my head using the guideline he gives us. I will most likely be checking out some more of his works and perhaps a series now that I know it is worth the investment of time. Even with this new discovery I am always on the look out for more authors and books to keep my attention. Any recommendations are always appreciated. I will never stop looking for the next thing to catch my imagination and draw me into another reality.

 

*******

So enough with the miniature book review, now a little update on life as I currently live it. Life has become a little thing of routines for me. This is not a bad thing in my mind but more a sign of normalcy. Life generally consists of work and then living a quiet life at home with occasional side bars with family and friends. This might be terribly boring for many but for me it is a sign of returning to more comfort with who I am. I find that it is easier for me to have fun with my life again. Laugh and try not to take things to seriously. Things are always there though, still in the back of my mind but they are not as prevalent as they once were. They do not control what I do or how I feel as they once did. I can only hope that this is something that will continue because to be honest I don’t want to return to living the fake life pretending like I am okay while I scream inside. that is far too tiring a way to go about your day.

For now I have my life, relative health, a job, a place to live, friends and family. There is not a whole lot more that one can really ask for unless they are greedy beyond their needs. Anyways, I don’t want to chance losing what I do have.

Till another day,

Dan

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Finding my own way…. another year coming to a close

It was a holiday season that seemed to be more of what it should be. Different than what it has been in the recent past. Holidays have not been my friend but I think lately I am trying to make the conscious decision to not let the past ruin what could be the good moments of my present. It comes down to a choice I have when I do everything in my life. The easy choice is to be a scrooge and piss and moan and dwell on what is lost and how I have the right to be an emo little bitch. Don’t ask me where that came from I am just flowing with it. That is the easy way but also the way that ends up breaking me down more and more. The right choice is to try to live in the moment, which I think I am doing more and more.

My grandma said something to me christmas morning as we sat at her kitchen table alone drinking coffee. “You have had a good year” There was not much else except that said, but even though i might not be exactly where I want to be in life she is right. I have had a good year considering what could have hung over my head. The year did not start out the best I am sure, mainly because of the copious amounts of prescription meds I was on… all prescribed and prescribed dosages. I was a walking zombie. Most of that time seems like a distant movie to me, memories are all fuzzy and surely there are multiple reasons for that. Even with this the year got better and better for me. Work seems to be a place I actually enjoy going to. The people are great to me and many of them I would consider good friends now. I have transitioned to my own place and have become accustomed to living on my own after years spent a part of another family and then my retreat back home and then staying with a friend.

I seem to be finding my own path again after so many detours and dead ends and many construction zones. It is not a grand life by far but it is my own and I have some control over it. There are many things that I still would like to change and work on, they will come in time though. Every day is another step, hopefully if I am lucky it is in the right direction. It is okay though if every now and then i have a step back, that is the nature of life and it does not make me a failure. A failure is sitting and letting that miss step ruin your momentum and mood. I can’t let that happen anymore.

Anyways, it was a good holiday. Christmas may not have the same meaning for me as it does for others. I won’t get into the religious talk or debate because to be honest I could care less at the moment. For me it is about reconnecting with the ones you love. Family friends and all of those in your life. It is about living your days with a little lighter step and an easier smile on your face. Remembering the good things in life and learning from what has gone wrong. Living the day knowing that life can be shortened far too easily and it would be a shame to those who are lost if you wasted the days that you still have on this earth. One never knows what is around the next corner, good or bad.

Merry Christmas to everyone who actually reads this.

Dan

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The Cookie Cutter life does not exist.

Smiling happy families sitting in front of roaring fireplaces, wearing festive holiday sweaters and sipping cocoa. The picture image of a christmas card to be hung for all to see. Norman Rockwell images of a life that all attain to reach. the problem is that this does not really exist. We think that other people have these lives. The grass always being greener on the other side. We want to have what they have, be happy as they are. This is something that is only a myth though. We might see the picture perfect families and feel envious of them, but the truth is that no one really has this perfect life. Everyone is flawed, everyone has little cracks in their make up that show a little of the true life and heart that hides with in.

This is not to be a glum post, pre christmas. This is merely to be a post explaining that no one is perfect. No one has a life out of the perfect holiday movies. The key seems to be that we make the best out of what we have. I have realized this more and more. I can make the choice to focus on the things that make my life a little bit better. It is my choice if I want to be down, dwelling in the gutters of life. This is not forced upon me, this is not something that I have to live and feel. I can do differently and better. Also though if I deny the past, deny what has shaped me and marked me I am doing a disservice as well. The past has happened, I can’t change it, that is where the dangerous thoughts come in. I can learn from it and realize there is a better way through.

Yesterday was a day where I could have made the wrong choice. I could have felt sorry for myself and grieved over the losses of my past, most obviously with the anniversary of my mother’s passing. I did not though. Yes it was on my mind, and I miss her. But I did not think of how I could have done better and felt pitiful for myself in her loss. I just tried to live the day as well as I could and for the most part it was a success.

Life is never quite as we expect or want it to be. The perfect cookie cutter image does not exist except only in our imagination. We all do what we have to. We live our lives and survive through every day. Some days are better than others and in the end we can hope that the good outnumber the bad.

Dan

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A long over due update…

Like clockwork I tend to ignore this blog, it is not intentional but just seems to happen. Fits with who I am and my personality because as with anything in my life I have to feel the urge to do something, if not it gathers dust until it is called forward. So I thought as I am reading over some of my past entries I should log a little bit of what is going on in life.

Christmas is upon us, like a stealth assassin it hid in the bushes and reared its deadly head just before striking. Hmmm, maybe not the right visual right there but that is the feeling. It is here and the month of December has disappeared. I do not know where it went. Holidays have been pretty depressing for me over the past two years. Two years ago tomorrow my mom passed away. It feels like it has been so much longer that she has been out of my life but that is for another day.  That and with the erosion of my marriage and the family I used to have holidays have been reminders of what is missing or lost to me. I see everyone else with someone they love or care for and it is a sharp pain. Or at least it has been.

Thanksgiving was something different. For the first time in a long time I actually enjoyed the holiday. Being with my family, having a good time, lots of laughs and playing cards. It was what days like that should always be. I was able to just bask in the things I do have in my life, like a good job, family that loves me, a place to live and enough to get by. Yes things aren’t perfect but considering things could be a lot worse. This is bringing a sense of hope to me that Christmas will be better than it has been. Hopes can be dangerous things though and I know I have to keep this in check because I have a terrible way of  letting my hopes get carried away and then expectations never quite fit reality. I know that there will be some rough times, that is a given considering the history of this time of year for me, but as long as I can remember what I do have in my life it should be better than it has.

In the end it really comes down to a choice, a choice that I ahve to make to let the good things in and not dwell on the bad…..

Anyways, life otherwise has been pretty uneventful for me. That is a good thing when all is considered. I seem to be settled in at work, finding my own place after such a long time worrying about the little things, mistakes here or there. I actually enjoy working with the people I do which is a great thing and for the most part I feel like they feel the same. At least there is lots of laughter. I try not to take things too seriously but in my line of work there is always an a- hole or two who will rile you up. I try not to dwell though. Overall I think I am pretty good at my job and it is something I can see myself doing for the time to come.

I will try to remember to check in more frequently and post… Hopefully I can ride the good feelings and not let things take me too far down the wave again, I am just happy to be living more of a monotone life sans prescriptions.

Till I write again… good night.

Dan

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Short and Angry

That is to say this post not me…. I received an email on facebook today from someone informing me that my blog was being plagiarized. I followed the link and found exact copies of some of my posts on another person’s blog. The entries stolen arent even a story or creative work of mine rather than my personal thoughts and musings, journal entries. Why would anyone do this.

The worst thing is that there is a blurb on the site on the right side saying how all the work was solely that person’s and everyone should work together to curb plagiarism. What the hell?! Talk about some stones on this jerk. You look at the posts and be the judge, check the dates. And if you find a way to contact this person give them a piece of my mind.

The man’s name is Matt Faye, as his blogger.com profile states and apparently he likes to write, when he has original thoughts.

My post=  https://crackedillusion.wordpress.com/2010/10/28/avoidance-is-not-possible/

Plagiaristic Bastard’s = http://theworthofmyironpen.blogspot.com/

Avoidance is not possible

So Pissed!

Dan

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Accomplishment, a rare notion to me

So often I become involved in a grand idea. Whether it is a new past time, hobby or any other means of distraction. I put so much effort into it that eventually I am burned out by it and lose all interest. This really is a regular cycle for me. One that I truly despise but have come to expect that it is part of who I am. Last night I finally accomplished something that is more of a personal victory than anything else recently in my life. Too many people it may not be a big deal or may just be another crazy idea that I am putting all of my heart into. To me though this is something I can finally hang my hat on. Last night at around 10:45 pm I reached the monthly target of 50,000 words, which roughly translates to a novel of about 175 pages. This is the goal of the National Novel Writing Month better known as NaNoWriMo.

This is the first time I have been successful at it, having only really competed one other time. That time I gave up on it like I have with so many other things in my life. I even had a good start and a good idea for a story as was told to me by a good friend. I still have this partial first draft and may revisit it in the future. This is a big thing to me. One of those moments I want to shout from the roof top, if not for the fact that people may believe me to be losing my mind. Now I have to refocus myself on completing my novel in the time frame of the month, which is my personal goal I have set for myself. I do not know how long my story will end up being but I have twenty days to reach that goal.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am holding back on the ideas of grandeur. I know that this is not something I should inflate my hopes too much with. It is still and will always be a dream to be published some day. To be honest though i don’t know if anything I am writing is any good. I will say this though. Some of the characters are feeling more and more alive to me. The character of LC Everett, my private detective seems to ring the loudest with me. There is something about his honesty and drive for the truth and the way he wants to protect his friends that has me drawn more into him than anybody else. It is becoming easier and easier for me to write the chapters that ivolve him because the words come to life inside my head and I just have to do what I can to transfer them to my fingers.

Anyways I just wanted to share in my jubilation. Nanowrimo, check. Novel completion, next on the list. Time to keep plowing ahead.

Dan

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Manic Monday

I was in an odd mood yesterday, I could only classify it as being manic. Extra talkative, joking around and being more up than anything else. Swinging a bit is part of my life but the pendulum tends to be stuck in the lower portions of that swing more often than not. For the most part I would consider my mood a good thing, if not for the fact that it was a nice sidebar from what my life usually is. Dwelling on negative things tends to consume me so it was nice just to have some energy and be a little excitable. At the end of the work day I did have some conversations with my coworkers that went more into the darker places of my life. Dealing with my past and relationships and trying to move on in my life. I always worry in hindsight that I am sharing too much. I worry that I am coming off a but batty and most likely I am, hopefully in an endearing way. It can be endearing right? I am going to think that it can. One of my coworkers has gone through something similar as me in recent history so it is nice to talk to her because at least I know she understands. I probably rely too heavily on my work friendships to talk about such things, but they really are the only people I talk to on a regular basis. I am around them more than anybody else. It may be convenience but also in a way i trust them because I know them.

On a side note my novel is coming along. I should make the nanowrimo goal by this weekend, though the novel will nowhere near be finished I will have succeeded at the monthly contest. I had to break down yesterday and plan out a few chapters after the first 38,000 words were written from the hip with no real story line. I felt the need to do so, so that I could start reigning in some of the characters stories so that they could begin to come back together for the climax of the story. I am happy with my progress but must admit that writing in a more real life setting instead of sci fi or fantasy has been more difficult for me than I expected. It has been a challenge but that is a good thing.

Well I work today then have three days off to so some marathon writing. Hope all are having a good day.

Dan

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Writing as therapy

My mind is a machine that is never at rest. It rarely stops moving or flashing from thought to thought, memory to memory. For the most part this is not a good thing. There are times though when this can be used to my advantage if I am able to focus those thoughts in a certain direction. Nanowrimo has given me that oppurtunity and it really is amazing how quickly things can change.

I know this is only day number 5 but I have already noticed a few things. Once I started to think of a story to write it seemed that all of my free time is spent thinking of where I am headed and working out different possibilities. Usually I am filled with depressing thoughts and so many “what ifs” and “Could have done betters” that I want to scream and pull my hear out. It is the nature of my mind. Having something positive to focus on is a wonderful relief. The empty moments are filled with somthing constructive now. When I think of these things I just feel better that I am trying to accomplish something and not just dwelling on things that I can no longer change. These thoughts are centered more on a future that I am still building and creating, even if it is only in a fictional world.

Granted, I realize that I don’t even know if what I am writing is any good, to be honest I don’t really care. I just want to keep working on it, and I desperately hope that I can maintain this even after nanowrimo is done. Nano may have been the catalyst that started me on writing again, I need to take the initiative though to keep fueling the fire that is my creativity. So many times I let an obsession and new task take me, only to let it sit on the back burner a few weeks down the road. I cannot do that any longer. I have to stick with something and see it through. This task brings me peace and it keeps one of the last dreams I have alive. the dream of one day finishing a novel.

Here’s hoping I can see it through.

Dan

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Catching up with old friends

I have very few close friends in my life. They can be counted on one hand with a few free fingers to spare. My life has always been this way, I don’t know why it is this way but it is and as the years tick away it seems like it is going to stay that way. Some of the friendships I had became more difficult following my divorce as the friends I had made came with the package. We have not hung out or done anything in a long time, mainly since the split. Much of this is because of the feelings that are brought up when I see them. I know this is silly but my mind only needs a small catalyst to drag me into a dark place.

Tonight though we got together and were able to spend a nice evening together. George and I chatted and hung out for a bit then we all had dinner together which was nice and more then a little humorous. I miss moments like this. Camaraderie. Just being with others and letting go and having fun. I have not laughed so much in a long time or made others laugh as much either. We had a great dinner and then George and I brainstormed and talked about our NaNoWriMo stories. It was nice just to discuss things and talk about where I thought my story was headed. We are two very different styled writers. George is the plotter and storyliner. I usually just get an idea and set a stage and plow ahead from there without looking back. It is fun to compare. We both also were able to get some writing done which was a plus. It was a great night overall.

There are a few things that I realized tonight. I have few friends and I need to stay in contact with the ones I do have. Secondly I can’t let the past always get in the way of living my life and enjoying the things I do have right now. There are always going to be rough memories and that is something I cannot escape, but I do have some people to talk to and many of them know where I am coming from. This couple is among those people.

We agreed to get together a few more times during this month to work on nanowrimo and just hang out.  I am looking forward to it.

By the way, Nano update I surpassed the halfway mark of the goal of 50,000 words. This is a pretty good feat considering it is only day number 4. The story is coming along nicely as well.

Good Night

Dan

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